Strangers in a Strange Land: The Amarillo Trilogy Part 1

I’m reposting this in honor of Super Bowl weekend:

Thanks for nothing, Frank.

This the tale of how four young men from western New York came to watch the greatest comeback in NFL playoff history–the Buffalo Bills overcoming of a 32 point deficit against the Houston Oilers–in less than hospitable surrounding; a seedy bar in Texas.

It was noon Texas time, and we were scrambling to find a place to watch the game. We finally stumbled upon a hole-in-the-wall on the outskirts of Amarillo.

We walked into a shadowy bar that if I’m not mistaken, was the setting for Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The atmosphere was dark and murky and we could feel the eyes of the other patrons on us, heavy with suspicion and contempt. The occupants of one table in the back were a particularly grizzled bunch that were reminiscent of the bar scene from Dusk Til Dawn.

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Top Ten Other Ways the New England Patriots Cheat

Patriots' game ball, inflated slightly more than Tom Brady likes it.

#10

Robert Kraft offers a lifetime supply of razors to officials who ‘look the other way’ when they cover the Seahawks’ game balls with super slippery stuff.

#9

Rob Gronkowski is actually a cyborg sent back from the future to kill Sarah Conner.

#8

Tom Brady wears a piece; he’s actually bald a cue ball.

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Is There a Klingon Word for Non Sequitur?

A typical Klingon driver: uninsured and irresponsible.
(image source: startrek.com)

How many times has this happened to you?

You approach a stoplight as it’s about to turn red. Being a responsible driver, you slowly apply the break and come to a complete stop.

Suddenly you hear the screeching of tires behind you. You brace yourself for what you know is coming. You hear the sound of crunching metal as you feel the shock of your vehicle being struck from behind.

You stumble from your vehicle, slightly shaken, trying to rub the pain from back of your neck. As you survey the damage, you see the driver of the other vehicle stomping toward you from the corner of your eye. “Are you okay?” you ask as you turn to face him.

“Rah arg bah,” he bellows into your face. A blast of hot putrid breath startles you and sends you reeling. You try to steady yourself as you wipe the spit from you face. A sinking feeling comes over you with the realization that you’ve just been rear-ended by a Klingon.

“Do you have insurance?” you ask apprehensively, aware of the fact that Klingons are notoriously irresponsible drivers.

“Mok tuk bah,” he sneers derisively as he jabs his crooked Klingon finger in the direction of the stoplight.
“Listen mister, that light was clearly about to turn red.” You call him mister hoping that he’s male; it’s so hard to tell with their weird wrinkled faces.

“MOK TUK BAH,” he screams at you with even more force.

“So that’s how it’s going to be,” you calmly reply, again wiping the spit from your face. This time his spit seems to contain chunks of something that was recently alive. You vomit in your mouth a little.

A lengthy argument ensues. Tensions flare. In the heat of the moment you say something unfortunate about the virtue of his Klingon mother being defiled by Captain Kirk. You soon discover–at ridiculous odds– that this is the one phrase that translates directly from English to Klingon.

You find yourself staring at the end of a menacing Klingon weapon of war.


You swiftly make an attempt to apologize. You now discover the phrase “I’m sorry” in Klingon roughly translates: stab me repeatedly.

As you lie on the pavement bleeding to death, you wonder if a better grasp of the Klingon language could have helped you avoid this grisly end.

To reiterate my initial question: How many times has happened to you? It hasn’t…ever…and it never will. Klingons are a fictitious race from a fictitious planet invented in the mind of Gene Roddenberry.
However, there is a Klingon language; a language that people endeavor to learn and speak.

Why would a person endeavor to learn and speak a language spoken by a nonexistent race? I decided to ask a person who makes a habit of publicly speaking Klingon.

The following is a verbatim recalling of that conversation–apart from the bits that are a result of my faulty memory–with Klingon speaking Ed.

Note: His real name isn’t Ed. I’ve changed the name to protect the innocent. The innocent being myself; Ed’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

Read the conversation...

 

Physically Fit to be Tied

image credit: TMZ

“Are you physically fit?” bellowed the man on the television screen as he jabbed a muscular finger in my direction.

“I don’t know,” I exclaimed, a bit startled by the suddenness of the question.

“Are you physically fit?” he persisted. This man was loud, muscle bound, and so deeply tanned that where ever he was, he must have been near the surface of the sun.

“You’re getting older,” he continued.

I am getting older, I thought, nearly every day.

“Do you even know what it means to be physically fit?”

I had to admit that I really didn’t.

“Of course you don’t know what it means, you’re a tiny pathetic weed of a man.”

I still didn’t know what it meant, was a little insulted, but wished that someone would tell me.

“Well I’m going to tell you.” He seemed to be reading my mind. “Physical fitness is the ability of the body to function with vigor and alertness, and with ample energy to engage in leisure activities. Endurance and cardio respiratory integrity are the overt signs of physical fitness.

Well this was absolutely no help at all.

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Just a Few idiotprufs

Wile E. Coyote, idiotprufs legend.

Idiot: a dolt, a dullard, a mentally deficient person, the guy who drives down the road with his seatbelt hanging from the door making sparks on the road.

idiotpruf: Any lesson learned as the direct result of an overt act of idiocy, or the observation of an overt act of idiocy. An act that proves that you are in fact an idiot.

Example: If you don’t want to be mocked by other motorist; don’t drive down the road with your seatbelt hanging from the door making sparks on the road.

I’ve been compiling a list of idiotprufs based on my own acts of idiocy, from observing the acts of idiocy of others, and from stories I’ve been told.

Just a Few idiotprufs

• Regardless of how far your garden hose sprays; you’re still too close to the bees nest.
• Being asked,”and what did we learn today,” as bee stingers are being pulled from your face, is the epitome of adding insult to injury.
• Don’t try to remove a hornet’s nest from your garage by burning it out; you will wind up with half a garage, and a hornet’s nest.
• You never want to find out the quantifying measure for the phrase, mad as a hornet.
• Firemen like to say snide things as they hose down the side of your garage.

Read the rest of the list here...

AIFIS: Episode 5. DC vs Marvel Miniseries

the show of shows is back with a new episode, yo!  what you waiting for?!?!?

Nationally Renowned Photog Bob Zeller's "2015 Texas Tweeties Calendar" is Here! Order Now!

Amazing Photo by Bob Zeller

My long-time Very Good Friend, Blogger, Nationally Renowned Photographer and All Around Funky Old Dude Bob Zeller has just released his 2015 Texas Tweeties Calendar!

Bob's photos have appeared in and on the covers of some of the most prestigious magazines in the United States. He has been recognized by his peers as one of the most prolific and extraordinary photographers in the country. And those are just some of the accolades that have been bestowed upon this wonderful man.

A few years ago I wrote a story about Bob on one of my other blogs that describes just what kind of special Human Bean Mr. Zeller is. Go read it here. I'll wait for you.

Now that you know what an exemplary man Bob is, please take the time to order his 2015 Texas Tweeties Calendar! I have one on the way myself and it will be the fourth (?) Texas Tweeties Calendar that I have gotten from Bob. (BTW, my kids,  now 7 & 12, absolutely love the photos that Bob has chosen for each of the calendars I have gotten from him!)

Here's the ordering and contact information you'll need to get your very own  2015 Texas Tweeties Calendar!

Each calendar is $25 and that covers all taxes and shipping costs

Bob Zeller, 4401 White Ash Lane, San Angelo, Texas, 76904-4528.

If you have any further questions, you can click on the link to Texas Tweeties below and leave it in the comment section of one of Bob's posts, or click on the "Contact Me" button in the rigt sidebar of the blog and Bob will get back to you ASAP.

Be sure to read and follow Bob's blog, Texas Tweeties, so you don't miss out on the outstanding photos that this great man shares with us and the world.

You will not be disappointed!

Don’t Swing a Dead Weasel if You’re Not Going to Use It

Weasel / Weapon

It is no coincidence that no language in human history has ever coined the phrase: as useful as a dead weasel.
In fact, if you’re on your way to do something and you think to yourself, I could really use a dead weasel for this, you’re probably about to do something that falls somewhere between foolish and a felony. How many times on “Cops” has the arresting officer commented, “this would have merely been foolish, but you were swinging a dead weasel.”

In fact, if you’re on your way to do anything, and you spot a dead animal and think to yourself “it’s my lucky day,” just turn around and go home.

There are certainly a few times when a dead weasel can be useful, but most of those occasions involve hillbilly wedding rituals, or hillbilly wedding dinner options.

Note: your best-man toast should never involve a dead weasel in any capacity, not within the toast itself, and certainly not as a prop. It’s a mistake that will haunt you forever, if the bride doesn’t kill you first.

Which brings me to the point of this post:

Read the post here....

Enough Already, Boorish Photo Purveyor

That is precious.

Evidently certain people weren’t paying attention.

Certain people who are either dull-witted or recalcitrant.

People who are dull-witted, recalcitrant, or compulsively boorish.

In the case of certain family members, people who possess all three traits.

People who insist–regardless of how vehemently I protest–on showing me pictures of their children.

The ugly truth: I don’t like your children. In fact, I don’t like your children almost as much as I don’t you.

Note: it is my solemn pledge to the readers of this blog, at no point will it ever be heartwarming.

Don’t show me a picture of your grandchild and say, “she has her fathers eyes, isn’t it amazing?”

No, it’s not amazing at all; it’s pretty much how genetics work.

Your grandchild is bald, pudgy, toothless, prone to drooling, and screams at the top of her lungs when she wants something. If she had a tramp stamp, she be the spitting image of her mother. That’s amazing.

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Lock Up Your Routers!

Ok, so this post is about tech and is not going to be funny (on purpose anyway..) I’ll also try not to rant or sound like a patronising twat person as I write, but forgive me if it comes off like that anyway.

Or don’t, I probably wouldn’t 

Recently, I’ve been getting multiple attempts by what are called ‘botnets‘ to hack this website and log into the admin area. I know, bastards aren’t they? (I thought it might be related to my most recent Fucktard Wednesday post, but it turns out it’s not)

To read the rest of this click here...

F*ck Off: The Art of Saying No

In the past couple of years I’ve learned a very valuable skill; the ability to say 'no' to people.

Previously, I used to go out of my way to help people wherever I could.

If someone needed money and I had it, I’d lend it to them – even if that would leave me short and meant I’d have to stay in at weekend, or not be able to buy that video game I wanted.

If somebody needed their computer or electronics looking at or repairing, I’d do it. For free. Even if I’d been at work all day doing exactly that and the last thing I really wanted to do was spend another 2 hours looking at error logs and trying to figure out how to fix something. Even if could have done the same job for someone who wasn’t a friend or family member and been paid much needed cash for it, I’d do it for free.

Read the full post here

The Dumbass of the Year Awards Are Here!

The 5th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards are in full swing on our sister blog Dumbass News!

Find out who the winners of the Best Use of an Ass, Scientistic Achievemnet and the Dead Dumbass of the Year are by clicking here!

Resolve Me? Resolve You: 2015 Edition

As the new year has arrived, the annual acts of introspection, personal assessment and deep soul-searching are effervescing across the nation, inspiring the populace to acts of self-improvement.

Spurred by these acts of self-improvement, the New Year’s resolutions abound.

Some resolutions are to purge undesirable habits: smoking, picking your nose, being Justin Bieber, punching your idiot uncle in the face.

Some resolutions are to adopt desirable habits: a healthy diet, good hygiene, not being Justin Bieber, punching your idiot uncle in the face.

Note: go ahead and punch your idiot uncle in the face; he has it coming.

Some people resolve to simply approach life with a more positive attitude toward their fellow man, by improving themselves, they feel that they can improve others.

To all of this I have one response: Wake Up! Your fellow man sucks. You’re  awesome, it’s everybody else that needs to change.

To that end, here is 2015’s list of resolutions for others:

To read the list click here....