So I’ve Ruffled Some Feathers

“My feathers have been sufficiently ruffled.”

It seems I’ve ruffled some feathers.

Some big, fat, whiny, bitchy, crybaby feathers.

It’s not that this blog hasn’t generated negative reactions in the past. It has, and that disapproval has been manifest in many forms:

• Through the WordPress comments function.
• By email.
• Unfriending me on Facebook.
• Friending me on Facebook for the sole purpose of unfriending me.
• Tweeting about me with the hashtag: jackass.
• Sniper fire.
• I’ve been accosted by mimes. (They don’t say much, but their gesticulated scorn is withering.)
• Women flee at the sight of me. (To be frank, this was happening long before I started this blog.)
• Small children bite me with their sharp little adolescent teeth.
• A vicious diatribe was nailed to my front door, written in blood. (This one surprised me; Grandma needs all the blood she has.)
• Random baboon attacks.
• Skywriting.
• Strategically placed billboards with shockingly filthy messages.
• The song “You Suck” is constantly being dedicated to me on the radio.
• Vitriolic letters to the editor of The Bolivian Free Press. (The Bolivian Free Press is an odd name for a newspaper in a country where the primary language isn’t English. It’s almost as though I made it up.)
• Llamas spit at me, then act like it was an accident.
• I get junk mail addressed to: That Ass Who Writes The Blog.
• The letters in my alphabet soup randomly form death threats.
• I am frequently presented with that time honored and always effective middle finger.

Read the rest...

Home is Where the Heart is…and a Bit of Predator

Home is where the heart is…in fact, that’s where I keep most of my shit.  –Pliny the Elder (slightly paraphrased)

This post is about my hometown, and five reasons why it is awesome. (This post is not about modesty.)

Reason #1: the best chicken wings on the planet

Western New York is really good at two things: lake effect snow and chicken wings. Lake effect snow sucks, but chicken wings are great. And the best chicken wings on the planet can be found in Westfield, NY at Larry’s Cantina.

How do I know the chicken wings at Larry’s Cantina are the best on the planet? Because I am a chicken wing expert. (Did I mention this post is not about modesty?)

Note: I can’t vouch for the chicken wings on other planets; I’m sure the chicken wings on that planet Predator is from are badass.

“Our chicken wings are badass.”

Reason #2: Mad Dog 20/20

That’s right, Mad Dog 20/20 is produced in my hometown by Mogen David. Mad Dog 20/20 is classified as a flavored fortified wine. Flavored fortified wines are sometimes referred to as “bum wines” by cynics. Cynics can bite me. (This post is not about tact.)

The Urban Dictionary claims it’s the drink high school kids sneak off to the rock quarry to drink. That’s ridiculous…it was a gorge.

Mad Dog 20/20 has numerous virtues:

• It’s practically a cure for not having liver disease.
• It relieves you of that pesky problem of having too many brain cells.
• It would survive a nuclear holocaust.
• It comes in several delicious artificial flavors and colors that glow in the dark.
• If you’ve ever wondered what the sweetest thing in the world is: there’s your answer.
• Predator loves it.

“Mad Dog 20/20 is badass.”

Read the rest....

 

Deflate-gate and the presentation of the winning game ball!

Following the success of Spending Quality Time With Known Felons in a Dimly Lit Bar (less death threats than usual) here is another guess post from Another Idiot. Enjoy.

For as long as I can remember, it has been customary in the NFL to present the game ball to the team member that was most responsible for the win. Football is an American tradition, the most popular sport, and one of my favorite pass-times. Every year football fans yearn for midsummer after waiting several months during the off season in anticipation of a winning season for their favorite team, and a possible playoff berth. For most of us we end up disappointed in our favorite team’s inability to continue to the end of the season, and win a Super Bowl. It seems to reason that teams will have ups and downs, good years and bad, streaks of fortune and misfortune.

However, some teams seem to always be in the hunt, and never have an off-season no matter what their personnel situation is. They are always in the playoffs, and always have a shot at a Lombardi trophy. If you haven’t guessed it by now; I’m talking about the New England Patriots.

Read the rest...

People Suck

I know what you’re thinking: that statement is too broad.

Fine, I will amend it.

Human people suck.

Again too broad?

Some human people suck (although it’s only some, it seems I have contact with most of them).
People are lying, cheating, slandering, backstabbing, thieving, manipulative, reprobates. And those are just my aunts and uncles.

Read more...

It’s a Tradition: Memorial Day Post

It’s a tradition. This is the third year I’m posting this on Memorial Day weekend for two specific reasons:

1. I like it.
2. Unapologetic laziness.

Years ago I worked at an American Legion post. I met a lot of people during my time there. Some of them were ordinary people, some were interesting, some were bizarre and some were bizarrely interesting.

One of the more interesting people was Jack.

Jack constantly spoke in non sequiturs. At first I thought that he was simply hard of hearing, but I began to realize there was a thread of continuity in the things he was saying. His conversations would go off in seemingly weird and irrelevant tangents, but they generally made it back to their original points.

I’ve often wished that I had written some of them down, unfortunately I’m a moron.

Here are a few of my favorites that haven’t been lost to my faulty memory:

Jack: I remember when I paid only ten dollars a week for rent.

Other patron: We don’t live in the fifties anymore Jack.

Jack: What! (slamming his fist against the bar in indignation) I haven’t ridden a bicycle in years.

Other patron: What?

Jack: I’d rather pay for my truck insurance than ride a bicycle.

Other patron: Again, what?

Jack: I can barely afford to pay my for rent and my truck insurance.

Or this one:

Read the rest here....

 

New England Deflatriots

New England Delatriots new helmet...

Reefer Madness and a Bit of Math

Albert Einstein almost never hung out here.

Dutch researchers have done it again.

From the people who have already given us windmills, Holstein cows, gouda cheese, Heineken, orange carrots (seriously, orange carrots-look it up), and crucially: the idea that my date will pay for her own meal, comes another breakthrough.

Dutch researchers have determined that students who were banned from smoking marijuana in Dutch coffee shops were found to be more likely to pass exams, specifically math based ones.

The effect is “five times larger” for courses requiring quantitative thinking and maths-based tasks, the researchers wrote. They then crossed out that figure and changed it to “four times larger” before crossing out that figure and changing it to “ten times larger.” They then admitted that they were quite confused and unsure of the figures–they had been smoking a lot of pot that day. They then put on some Steely Dan records and sent out for munchies.

Read more...