Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants

The Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ant. How would like to get a package of these?

In a recent post, But Seriously, I described of my use of Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants when dealing with critics. When I receive criticism I feel is unwarranted, I drop a package in the mail to the criticizer. The package contains a colony of the ants in question. The label on the package reads: shake roughly before opening. (The only thing Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants hate more than critics is to be shaken roughly.)

Note: For criticism to reach the Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ant level, it has to really hurt my feelings; if I exhale a feeble whimper followed by a pained, why, upon receiving the criticism, you’re getting ants in the mail.

It would seem there some people out there who don’t believe that Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants are real. People who all suddenly seem to be experts on Amazonian wildlife and entomology. People who say they’ve done their own research and can’t find any evidence of the existence of such an insect.

Hey people, Google doesn’t know everything.

These people claim that no self-respecting taxonomist would give an ant such a silly name.

Things are often given weird or inappropriate names. Have you ever seen a person and immediately thought to yourself: that person’s parents misnamed him; his name should be Rat-Bastard Morgan instead of Piers.

Note: My deepest apologies to Piers Morgan and his family, that was entirely uncalled for, but I really like that joke.

They also say that ants don’t sting: they bite.

Nature provides us with many oddities and exceptions: mammals don’t lay eggs, but the duck-billed platypus does. Birds don’t swim under water, but penguins do. Humans don’t shed their skin like snakes, but Hugh Hefner does. The list goes on and on.

Note: No apologies for Hef: he’s a reptile.


Let’s say for the sake of argument, the name Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants, is in fact a product of my fertile if not slightly warped mind.

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Dumbass Bacon Photos!

Bacon.

Enough said.

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Guest Post at Pixie C D! Bad Idea of the Day: I'm Not Graduating So I'll Call in a Bomb Threat to the College!

Hey, Y'all! Chris Dean at Pixie C D has invited me to destroy her blogging cred by asking me to write a guest post!

Here we are at the end of May.

Birds are singing, gardens are in the ground and college students around the country will soon be departing their Institutions of Higher Learning to leave their marks on the world.

And by "leave their marks on the world" I naturally mean "enter rehab". 

Or make bomb threats.

Sadly, bomb threats are fairly common today, even in the most unexpected of places - like Chinese airports and Guacamole Schools. 

And college graduations.

Let me splain.

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Memorial Day, 2014: Honoring Heroes Who Made the Ultimate Sacrifice for Their Country

Today there is no silly stuff.

Memorial Day is a day in which we solemnly reflect upon the most sacred of sacrifices made by hundreds of thousands of men and women who have valiantly served in the Armed Forces of the United States of America throughout its nearly 238 year history.

Our Nation has been blessed by Providence with bravest and most selfless warriors to have graced any country in the annals of Mankind.

Powerful Words

A guy in one of my Google+ Circles, Don Turner, has captured the Spirit of this Memorial Day with words borne of a Patriot's heart. "Whenever I think back through American History my heart swells with pride. America thrives on freedom; freedom thrives where heroes dwell. We are a country of military heroes". You owe it to yourself to soak up the passion with which Don salutes the The Heroes in Our Midst.

The "Other" Soldiers 

No less brave nor courageous are the "Other" Soldiers that serve our Country. These "Other" Soldiers are the constant companions of the men and women on the front lines of combat in lands a world away.

As Phil the Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge reminds us "U.S. military canines quietly wait. Dogs 

Photo from Phil, Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge

of War serve with Honor, willingly". 

Arlington National Cemetary, May 31, 1982 - "The United States and the freedom for which it stands, the freedom for which they died, must endure and prosper. Their lives remind us that freedom is not bought cheaply. It has a cost; it imposes a burden. And just as they whom we commemorate were willing to sacrifice, so too must we -- in a less final, less heroic way -- be willing to give of ourselves."

-President Ronald Reagan

God bless our Heroes and may God continue to bless America.

Veterans Fondly Remembered

This is my Memorial Day post from a year ago. I’m re-posting it for three specific reasons:

1. It’s appropriate for Memorial Day weekend.
2. For my critics who believe this blog isn’t serious enough, it’s the one semi-serious post I’ve written. (Don’t worry, there’s still humor in there.)
3. Unapologetic laziness.

Years ago I worked at an American Legion post. I met a lot of people during my time there. Some of them were ordinary people, some were interesting, some were bizarre and some were bizarrely interesting.

One of the more interesting people was Jack.

Jack constantly spoke in non sequiturs. At first I thought that he was simply hard of hearing, but I began to realize there was a thread of continuity in the things he was saying. His conversations would go off in seemingly weird and irrelevant tangents, but they generally seemed to make it back to their original points.

I’ve often wished that I had written some of them down, unfortunately I have the foresight of a mole and the hindsight of an eagle.

Here are some of my favorites that I can remember:

Jack: I remember when I paid only ten dollars a week for rent.

Other patron: We don’t live in the fifties anymore Jack.

Jack: What! (slamming his fist against the bar in indignation) I haven’t ridden a bicycle in years.
Other patron: What does riding a bicycle have to do with rent?

Jack: I’d rather pay for my truck insurance than ride a bicycle.

Other patron: Okay?

Jack: I can barely afford to pay my for rent and my truck insurance.

Or this one:

Hey Facebook, we are SO over!

  I have always maintained that of all my Social Media Children, Facebook is my favorite. So much my fave, that I don’t even try to hide it from the others. But lately, I’ve been noticing something new and disturbing about my first love, mainly that it makes me want to pry my eyes out of their sockets with a dull soup spoon. 15 minutes of Facesuck and my stomach is tied in Celtic knots and trying to chew its way out through my esophagus.

  Scrolling through the visual cacophony that is my stream, I am alternately revolted, horrified, outraged, and depressed over what I see. And that’s not even taking into account all the crap that buries the needle of my Bullshit-O-Meter in the “No Pair of Boots Will Save Your Socks Now” red zone.

This, my friends, is why I’m ditching Bitchbook...keep on readin'

Dumbass Babysitting Photos!

Babysitting Dumbassery

Merriam - Webster Says So

Texting While Stoopid

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