The Dumbass of the Year Awards Are Here!

The 5th Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Awards are in full swing on our sister blog Dumbass News!

Find out who the winners of the Best Use of an Ass, Scientistic Achievemnet and the Dead Dumbass of the Year are by clicking here!

Ten Years Ago Today: Dad Died

Today's story is very personal. If you came looking for teh funnay, I can't bring it today. Having said that, I think many of you will relate to what I am gonna write about.

10 Years Ago Today

June 5, 2004 was just another day at the Dumbass Dome. So I thought.

Dad, Debbie, Adam & Sara, c. 1996

I was doing the normal routine - having a beer for breakfast, smokin' a fatty and getting tuned up for work. I was walking past the front door of my house when I saw a black Toyota zoom into my drive way. It was my sister, Cheryl. From Dallas. 100 miles away from where I lived.

Instinct told me that something was wrong.

Very wrong.

It was.

Very wrong.

Read the rest.....

Dumbass Bacon Photos!

Bacon.

Enough said.

READ THE REST.....

Guest Post at Pixie C D! Bad Idea of the Day: I'm Not Graduating So I'll Call in a Bomb Threat to the College!

Hey, Y'all! Chris Dean at Pixie C D has invited me to destroy her blogging cred by asking me to write a guest post!

Here we are at the end of May.

Birds are singing, gardens are in the ground and college students around the country will soon be departing their Institutions of Higher Learning to leave their marks on the world.

And by "leave their marks on the world" I naturally mean "enter rehab". 

Or make bomb threats.

Sadly, bomb threats are fairly common today, even in the most unexpected of places - like Chinese airports and Guacamole Schools. 

And college graduations.

Let me splain.

Read the rest at pixie c d !!!!! <---Click here

Dumbass Babysitting Photos!

Babysitting Dumbassery

Merriam - Webster Says So

Texting While Stoopid

Read the rest.....

Last Chance to Shop for Mom: Dumbass Gift Giving Guide!

If you are waiting until the last minute to get Mom "something special" for Mothers Day, be sure to consult the Dumbass Guide to Mothers Day Gifts!

Part Uno is here.

Part Too is here.

Dumbasses.

A Dumbass Mothers Day Favorite for 3 Years Running!

Drunk Dumbass Goes On Midget-Tossing Rampage!

Physically speaking, I am a small man.

Some Dumbasses would say the same about my mental capabilities and character too.

The ones who carry these ludicrous thoughts around with themselves are either

• 1) Liberals or
• 2) Those who wish to dethrone me as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde.

Let me tell you sons of motherless goats in Group 2 that it ain't gonna happen.

As far as Liberals go, I ain't skeered of a bunch of sissies who want to turn the USA into Fwance. What a perfect match. The Fwench wouldn't fight to save their own mothers and Liberals won't work to save their own mothers. Knowing that, I'm pretty sure that my reign as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde is safe.

Read the rest......

Stoopid Bumper Stickers!

T.G.I.F.!

Me too. 

See more Dumbass Bumper Stickers Here

Giant Sucking Sound: Dumbass Siphons Sewage, Not Gas, From R V!

It is for the newer Dumbasses that I bring back one of the funniest (and most popular!) stories in the History of Dumbass News!

Read the rest here.....

Funny Animal Hospital Signs!

I know that many members of The Dumbass Horde are lovers of a vast array of God's Little Critters. 

But I am not here today to write about children.

Or midgets. 

I am specifically referring to creatures of a four-legged, reptilian or piscatorial nature. Note: my favorite Dumbass News story is about the New Years Eve Possum Drop in North Carolina.

Usually when I write about animals, it's just to piss of the meth heads at PETA. 

However, today I am extending an olive branch to the meth heads at PETA by bringing us all (non-meth head non-PETA members & meth head PETA members alike) together with something each of us has in common with the other - a love of animals.

I like my animals medium rare, PETA likes theirs virgin.

Well....not exactly animals per se, rather with humorous signs that have been spotted in front of veterinary clinics across the Fruited Plain. 

What say you, PETA? Can we bury the hatchet?

Preferably smack dab in the middle of your mush-filled skulls!

Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

On that happy note........

Welcome to The First Ever Edition of Dumbass Animal Hospital Signs!

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Dumbass Does Drugs, Sets Self on Fire, Puts Fire Out in Car Wash! But, Wait, There's More!

Before I get into today's story, I'd like to thank pixie c d, aka, Chris Dean, for yesterday's hilarious guest post. It was one of the most popular Guest Posts in the History of Dumbass News! If you have any more (and I know you do!) Dumbassery to share with the Dumbass Horde, Chris, you are more than welcome to further embarrass yourself on this blog at any time.

Also, a huge shout out to all of Chris' readers at pixie c d for taking time to come over, read Chris' post and leave some terrific comments. I hope y'all will stop by again.

I have traveled to, through and/or lived in over 30 of the fifty States in the Union.

North Dakota fills none of those bills.

For the Yoopers in the audience, that means "I ain't never been there." 

Therefore, I don't know a helluva lot about The Dakota On Top.

I do, however, know that North Dakota is home to less than 750,000 people and the do a lot of oil bidness there.

There is a small town of about 18,000 North Dakota-ites, most of them White North Dakota-ites, named Mandan. I have never before heard of this burg.

Can You Show Me to the Nearest Car Wash, Please?

Until now.

Thanks to a Dumbass.

I'd like to thank David Kissee for this.

Let me splain.

Read the rest.....

Guest Post by Pixie C D, Chris Dean! "A Subconscious Bent Toward Serial Public Indecency"

 When Fearless Leader asked me if I’d like to share how much of a dumbass I am with y’all, I almost bounced outta my shorts with excitement! Of course, if you know me, you probably wouldn’t find that exactly out of the ordinary, considering I have a subconscious bent towards serial public indecency.

I Started Young

 It all started in my teens with The Summer of the Swimsuit. (Yeah, it was bad enough my family named it.) The suit in question was a modest one piece that I wore with great...oh, who cares. It was a perfectly modest swimsuit, right up until it made contact with water, turning the white spandex into a wet tissue paper wrapping.

 At least, that’s how it looked in every single picture from that summer. I still feel the need to crawl under a blanket and hide whenever I think about climbing the ladder to the high dive and the poor people in line behind (and under) me.

 I’m leaving the college years out of this, since there was alcohol involved. (Unless we’re talking about the times I stood on a friend’s roof and flashed the main drag during rush hour traffic. Which we’re not, so let’s just move on.)

Read the rest.....

Granny With Gun to Bad Guys: Get Outta That Car! But It's THEIR Car!

Best of Dumbass News

I can not attest as to the veracity of today's Dumbass News.

With this admission I know that I am in danger of losing in one fleeting moment what has taken me two and a half years and millions of words to earn - your trust. Then again, if you put your trust in me, you are dumber than a box of yak poop.

Gun Totin' Granny

Now, if my Grandmother were alive today, I would carefully examine this story for her name. Sadly, however, she went on the her Reward more than a decade ago. Therefore I am confident that the Little Old Lady in the story is not her - though it still wouldn't surprise me if it were her! She was, without a doubt, the strongest person I have ever met in my life. Not strong as in Hercules, but strong as in determined and ruthless.

All five foot-nothin', 90 pounds of her.

Read the rest......

Are You a Bank Robber? Use Underwear as a Mask!

Criminals are, by definition, Dumbasses.

Out of the billions of crimes committed around the world each day, when was the last time you heard of the "perfect crime"? Yeah, I know that against all odds some crooks get away with their crimes. The "not quite so perfect crimes" are ones where the bad guys get away with their misdeeds for a number of years, then one day the FBI knocks on their door and Freedom ain't so free any more.

I mean I can understand the fact that some idiot robs a 7-11 and gets away with it. Look at who works at a 7-11 these days - guys from Calcutta named "Bruce". No offense to guys from Calcutta named Bruce, but sometimes these fellows are new to our country and things between them and the cops can get lost in the translation. Kind of like Tech Support at AOL.

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Marketing Genius: Get a FREE Pizza with a Vasectomy!

As we all know, the economy is in pretty rough shape.

As a result, many retailers are offering incentives for you to shop at their business. You know what I mean...buy 1 get 1 free, late night sales that offer deep discounts, etc.

That said, I found a business with an incentive that tops anything you've ever seen before.


Snip Snip

A doctor in Sandwich. Massachusetts had a plan for all you guys on the go. This special gives new meaning to the term "March Madness". For you men about town, Dr. Evan Cohen is offering with each vasectomy in March, a FREE pizza! Yes, men, while some guy is fooling around with your nut sack, you can enjoy a nice, hot pepperoni pizza!

Pepperoni.

Ironic, ain't it?

Read the rest.....

Dumbass Short Story - Bad Guy: "The Pot in the Stolen Car Ain't Mine!"

They say that brevity is the Soul of Wit.

If that's the case, today's story is a real Footstomper.

"Footstomper" is a Dumbass Way of saying "knee slapper".

"Knee slapper" is a Non-Dumbass Way of saying "funny as hell".

Therefore let us sally forth with stomping of feet and slapping of knees.

And the laughing off of asses.

The Brevity

• Guy gets involved in disturbance.  
• Cops are called.
• Guy leaves scene of disturbance.
• Police locate Guy as he drives away from altercation.
• Guy gets pulled over.

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Funny Easter Pictures!

                                      HAPPY EASTER!

South Poached

See more Easter stoopididity here....

Get a Parking Ticket, Throw Poop at a Cop!

Best of Dumbass News

Lots going on at The Dumbass Dome.

Including surgery on your Fearless Leader.

Rather repeating a bunch of stuff, get the lowdown from yesterday's post. 

Oh Poop!

"Let's throw this against the wall and see if it sticks."

Usually that saying refers to an idea.

Or spaghetti. (to see if it's done)

What if the proverbial idea and/or spaghetti were doo doo?

Funny you should ask.

Read the rest.....

Here's Your Dumbass Sign!

By Dumbass News

             

It's Friday!!!!

I know that for many of you that means the end of a perfectly good week interrupted by work.

For many others of you that means your Weekend Pass from the Home for the Chronically & Criminally Fucked Up has been approved.

Either way, you are on the Dumbass Highway to Side-splitting Laughter or At Least a Hardy Guffaw with another exciting episode of Dumbass News Presents: Dumbass Signs & Shit! 

New Dumbasses will find much mirth, merriment and amusement in this previous edition of Dumbass Signs & Billboards. 

On With the Show!

Come On In! Or Not.

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Steal From Church & Have a Yard Sale!

The family that plays together, stays together.

Sometimes after they play together, they even go to The Slammer together.

Let Us Play

For millions of families across The Fruited Plain, a Family Game Night would include a Monopoly marathon, Uno, jigsaw puzzles or some other form of activity that brings a family together not only to play, but to bond and actually communicate with each other.

Other families might play Charades, watch a movie or burglarize a church.....

What???

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