Ten Years Ago Today: Dad Died

Today's story is very personal. If you came looking for teh funnay, I can't bring it today. Having said that, I think many of you will relate to what I am gonna write about.

10 Years Ago Today

June 5, 2004 was just another day at the Dumbass Dome. So I thought.

Dad, Debbie, Adam & Sara, c. 1996

I was doing the normal routine - having a beer for breakfast, smokin' a fatty and getting tuned up for work. I was walking past the front door of my house when I saw a black Toyota zoom into my drive way. It was my sister, Cheryl. From Dallas. 100 miles away from where I lived.

Instinct told me that something was wrong.

Very wrong.

It was.

Very wrong.

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Last Chance to Shop for Mom: Dumbass Gift Giving Guide!

If you are waiting until the last minute to get Mom "something special" for Mothers Day, be sure to consult the Dumbass Guide to Mothers Day Gifts!

Part Uno is here.

Part Too is here.

Dumbasses.

A Dumbass Mothers Day Favorite for 3 Years Running!

Drunk Dumbass Goes On Midget-Tossing Rampage!

Physically speaking, I am a small man.

Some Dumbasses would say the same about my mental capabilities and character too.

The ones who carry these ludicrous thoughts around with themselves are either

• 1) Liberals or
• 2) Those who wish to dethrone me as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde.

Let me tell you sons of motherless goats in Group 2 that it ain't gonna happen.

As far as Liberals go, I ain't skeered of a bunch of sissies who want to turn the USA into Fwance. What a perfect match. The Fwench wouldn't fight to save their own mothers and Liberals won't work to save their own mothers. Knowing that, I'm pretty sure that my reign as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde is safe.

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Stoopid Bumper Stickers!

T.G.I.F.!

Me too. 

See more Dumbass Bumper Stickers Here

Giant Sucking Sound: Dumbass Siphons Sewage, Not Gas, From R V!

It is for the newer Dumbasses that I bring back one of the funniest (and most popular!) stories in the History of Dumbass News!

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Funny Animal Hospital Signs!

I know that many members of The Dumbass Horde are lovers of a vast array of God's Little Critters. 

But I am not here today to write about children.

Or midgets. 

I am specifically referring to creatures of a four-legged, reptilian or piscatorial nature. Note: my favorite Dumbass News story is about the New Years Eve Possum Drop in North Carolina.

Usually when I write about animals, it's just to piss of the meth heads at PETA. 

However, today I am extending an olive branch to the meth heads at PETA by bringing us all (non-meth head non-PETA members & meth head PETA members alike) together with something each of us has in common with the other - a love of animals.

I like my animals medium rare, PETA likes theirs virgin.

Well....not exactly animals per se, rather with humorous signs that have been spotted in front of veterinary clinics across the Fruited Plain. 

What say you, PETA? Can we bury the hatchet?

Preferably smack dab in the middle of your mush-filled skulls!

Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

On that happy note........

Welcome to The First Ever Edition of Dumbass Animal Hospital Signs!

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Dumbass Does Drugs, Sets Self on Fire, Puts Fire Out in Car Wash! But, Wait, There's More!

Before I get into today's story, I'd like to thank pixie c d, aka, Chris Dean, for yesterday's hilarious guest post. It was one of the most popular Guest Posts in the History of Dumbass News! If you have any more (and I know you do!) Dumbassery to share with the Dumbass Horde, Chris, you are more than welcome to further embarrass yourself on this blog at any time.

Also, a huge shout out to all of Chris' readers at pixie c d for taking time to come over, read Chris' post and leave some terrific comments. I hope y'all will stop by again.

I have traveled to, through and/or lived in over 30 of the fifty States in the Union.

North Dakota fills none of those bills.

For the Yoopers in the audience, that means "I ain't never been there." 

Therefore, I don't know a helluva lot about The Dakota On Top.

I do, however, know that North Dakota is home to less than 750,000 people and the do a lot of oil bidness there.

There is a small town of about 18,000 North Dakota-ites, most of them White North Dakota-ites, named Mandan. I have never before heard of this burg.

Can You Show Me to the Nearest Car Wash, Please?

Until now.

Thanks to a Dumbass.

I'd like to thank David Kissee for this.

Let me splain.

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Guest Post by Pixie C D, Chris Dean! "A Subconscious Bent Toward Serial Public Indecency"

 When Fearless Leader asked me if I’d like to share how much of a dumbass I am with y’all, I almost bounced outta my shorts with excitement! Of course, if you know me, you probably wouldn’t find that exactly out of the ordinary, considering I have a subconscious bent towards serial public indecency.

I Started Young

 It all started in my teens with The Summer of the Swimsuit. (Yeah, it was bad enough my family named it.) The suit in question was a modest one piece that I wore with great...oh, who cares. It was a perfectly modest swimsuit, right up until it made contact with water, turning the white spandex into a wet tissue paper wrapping.

 At least, that’s how it looked in every single picture from that summer. I still feel the need to crawl under a blanket and hide whenever I think about climbing the ladder to the high dive and the poor people in line behind (and under) me.

 I’m leaving the college years out of this, since there was alcohol involved. (Unless we’re talking about the times I stood on a friend’s roof and flashed the main drag during rush hour traffic. Which we’re not, so let’s just move on.)

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Granny With Gun to Bad Guys: Get Outta That Car! But It's THEIR Car!

Best of Dumbass News

I can not attest as to the veracity of today's Dumbass News.

With this admission I know that I am in danger of losing in one fleeting moment what has taken me two and a half years and millions of words to earn - your trust. Then again, if you put your trust in me, you are dumber than a box of yak poop.

Gun Totin' Granny

Now, if my Grandmother were alive today, I would carefully examine this story for her name. Sadly, however, she went on the her Reward more than a decade ago. Therefore I am confident that the Little Old Lady in the story is not her - though it still wouldn't surprise me if it were her! She was, without a doubt, the strongest person I have ever met in my life. Not strong as in Hercules, but strong as in determined and ruthless.

All five foot-nothin', 90 pounds of her.

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Are You a Bank Robber? Use Underwear as a Mask!

Criminals are, by definition, Dumbasses.

Out of the billions of crimes committed around the world each day, when was the last time you heard of the "perfect crime"? Yeah, I know that against all odds some crooks get away with their crimes. The "not quite so perfect crimes" are ones where the bad guys get away with their misdeeds for a number of years, then one day the FBI knocks on their door and Freedom ain't so free any more.

I mean I can understand the fact that some idiot robs a 7-11 and gets away with it. Look at who works at a 7-11 these days - guys from Calcutta named "Bruce". No offense to guys from Calcutta named Bruce, but sometimes these fellows are new to our country and things between them and the cops can get lost in the translation. Kind of like Tech Support at AOL.

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Marketing Genius: Get a FREE Pizza with a Vasectomy!

As we all know, the economy is in pretty rough shape.

As a result, many retailers are offering incentives for you to shop at their business. You know what I mean...buy 1 get 1 free, late night sales that offer deep discounts, etc.

That said, I found a business with an incentive that tops anything you've ever seen before.


Snip Snip

A doctor in Sandwich. Massachusetts had a plan for all you guys on the go. This special gives new meaning to the term "March Madness". For you men about town, Dr. Evan Cohen is offering with each vasectomy in March, a FREE pizza! Yes, men, while some guy is fooling around with your nut sack, you can enjoy a nice, hot pepperoni pizza!

Pepperoni.

Ironic, ain't it?

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Dumbass Short Story - Bad Guy: "The Pot in the Stolen Car Ain't Mine!"

They say that brevity is the Soul of Wit.

If that's the case, today's story is a real Footstomper.

"Footstomper" is a Dumbass Way of saying "knee slapper".

"Knee slapper" is a Non-Dumbass Way of saying "funny as hell".

Therefore let us sally forth with stomping of feet and slapping of knees.

And the laughing off of asses.

The Brevity

• Guy gets involved in disturbance.  
• Cops are called.
• Guy leaves scene of disturbance.
• Police locate Guy as he drives away from altercation.
• Guy gets pulled over.

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Funny Easter Pictures!

                                      HAPPY EASTER!

South Poached

See more Easter stoopididity here....

Get a Parking Ticket, Throw Poop at a Cop!

Best of Dumbass News

Lots going on at The Dumbass Dome.

Including surgery on your Fearless Leader.

Rather repeating a bunch of stuff, get the lowdown from yesterday's post. 

Oh Poop!

"Let's throw this against the wall and see if it sticks."

Usually that saying refers to an idea.

Or spaghetti. (to see if it's done)

What if the proverbial idea and/or spaghetti were doo doo?

Funny you should ask.

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Here's Your Dumbass Sign!

By Dumbass News

             

It's Friday!!!!

I know that for many of you that means the end of a perfectly good week interrupted by work.

For many others of you that means your Weekend Pass from the Home for the Chronically & Criminally Fucked Up has been approved.

Either way, you are on the Dumbass Highway to Side-splitting Laughter or At Least a Hardy Guffaw with another exciting episode of Dumbass News Presents: Dumbass Signs & Shit! 

New Dumbasses will find much mirth, merriment and amusement in this previous edition of Dumbass Signs & Billboards. 

On With the Show!

Come On In! Or Not.

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Steal From Church & Have a Yard Sale!

The family that plays together, stays together.

Sometimes after they play together, they even go to The Slammer together.

Let Us Play

For millions of families across The Fruited Plain, a Family Game Night would include a Monopoly marathon, Uno, jigsaw puzzles or some other form of activity that brings a family together not only to play, but to bond and actually communicate with each other.

Other families might play Charades, watch a movie or burglarize a church.....

What???

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Big Foot Hoax Turns Dumbass Into Roadkill!

We have covered some very strange Dumbass Ways to Die here on Dumbass News and we'll do so again today,

But, let us first review some of the stoopid ways that some of our Dearly Departed Dumbasses have left this veil of tears.

One example of a real good way to die (unless you're the dead person) is during sex.

In one story, we found out about a woman who died doing the dirty deed with her husband. No she didn't bite the Big One having the Big O, she bit the bullet. Literally shot to death by her old man during some freaky Dirty Harry Sex Game. I have heard of sex weird ass sex toys, but a .45 ain't one of 'em.

Then there was the case of some Old Guy keeling over during a lap dance at the local Jiggle Joint, or the Titty Bar as some of you prefer.

Those Dead Dumbasses have nothing on the guy we will be highlighting today.

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One Napkin Equals $1.5 Million Lawsuit Against McDonalds! By Fearless Leader!

I never thought I'd ever write the following words:

McDonalds is a pox on American Society.

Man, that hurt. 

I have been eating at The Golden Arches for over fifty years! (And, boy am I full! Hahahaha!) That was so long ago that the McDonalds sign said "Over 13 Served".

Anyway....

Mark down this day as The Day I Say Adios to Mickey D's. 

Bonsoir, Big Mac. Que sera sera Quarter Pounder. Ciao Chicken McNuggets. Farewell, Filet O' Fish (Now 2 for $3.33!)

I'm done with all you Rat McBastids! (2 for $5!)

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Zoe From "Behind the Mask of Abuse" Is In the Drawer!

His Royal Dumbass, invited me to do a guest post on this here weird looking blog. I figured I didn't want to let him down. I couldn't help but think that he really is a Dumbass, if he’s inviting me to do a guest post. He hardly knows me or what he’s getting into. That just may be the epitome of Dumbassness.

I guess I should introduce myself I'm Zoe and I'm a blogger. *Everyone says, “Hello Zoe.”* My blog is not a funny one but I sure do love to laugh and banter, it’s good for the soul. What better way to laugh than at one’s own dumbass moments right?!

First I want to thank you Oh Great Dumbass for opening up this space to me. It looks a little different back here than what I'm used to. Did I follow the directions properly? Am I in the right place?!  On a side note, it could use a little cleaning. Have you cleaned lately?  I'm just sayin…

Okay enough stalling.

I’m ready to grace you all with some of my dumbass moments. Sit back, buckle up and hang on for the ride.

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Canadian-ite Dumbasses: Fast Food Fooks Up Your Brain, Eh? By Fearless Leader!

I was an unmarried Fearless Leader for many years before I met and eventually got hitched to Mrs. Fearless Leader.

In those days, I did all The Things Necessary for Survival, myself.

I cleaned my house, drank beer, did my own laundry, drank beer, cooked and drank more beer.

I'm a pretty good cook, but I don't do it much anymore since I got hitched to Heather, but back in The Old Days I was known to cook a damn good T-Bone, make a bad ass pot of red beans and put together some Mucho El Good-o Meskin Cornbread.

And drink a shit load more cold beer.

Let me tell you, it's hard work being a Single Fearless Leader doing all The Things Necessary for Survival and drinking all that beer.

To be honest, though, I didn't cook a helluva lot, just when I felt like it. Or when I wanted a T-Bone or a bad ass pot of red beans and a side of Meskin Cornbread. I often ate at fast food joints such as Whataburger, McDonalds or Taco Bell.

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