Taglines and more Taglines

Taglines and more Taglines

Because they haunt your dreams.

“Striving every day to do the least idiotic thing possible, generally failing.”

 

The above statement has been the tagline of this blog since its inception–sadly, it’s also been the guiding principle of my life–but it feels as if it’s time for a change. (For the tagline, my life’s a irreparable heap.)

So I’ve decided to try out a few alternatives:

idiotprufs: what happens when you don’t listen to that nagging little voice in your head.

idiotprufs: read by four out of five drunken monkeys-written by the fifth.

idiotprufs: the blog that is wanted by the authorities for questioning.

idiotprufs: just do it. (Evidently the people at Nike think they own everything.)

idiotprufs: the blog that got so drunk last night, it can’t remember anything it did.

idiotprufs: the last blog you will ever read…after you’ve stabbed your eyes out with a shrimp fork
.
idiotprufs: the blog that makes my friends deny they know me.

idiotprufs: the reason most of my family no longer speaks to me. (I wish I had started it sooner.)

idiotprufs: the reason I’ve been burned in effigy by Bolivian pudding makers.

idiotprufs: reading it will make your breath perpetually minty fresh.

idiotprufs: the blog labeled a bitter disappointment by its parents.

idiotprufs: the blog that was a banana slug in a previous life.

Read the rest...

Bees and Calligraphy

Bees and Calligraphy

In my spare time I like to improve my yodeling.

First a few personal facts regarding the differences between bees and calligraphy:

1. I have never been stung in the face by calligraphy.
2. I have never gotten a D on an art project written in bee.

Good things about bees:

1. If you don’t happen to have any Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants, Africanized killers bees will work in a pinch.
2. It is hysterical when a bee stings a mime.
3. Pollination. Bees pollinate a vast array of plants, helping to propagate many types of fruits and flowers. I’m also pretty sure Donald Trump’s hair is some sort of hive.
4. They make honey, that sweet nectar byproduct without which Pooh bear would have never gotten his head caught in a honey pot, in that adorable image by A. A. Milne.  If it weren’t for that image, I’d have nothing tattooed to my left butt cheek.

Good things about calligraphy:

1. Because of calligraphy, nib manufacturing is still a thriving business in Bangladeshian sweat shops.
2. Without calligraphy wedding invitations would have to be written in silly fonts.
3. Anything written in calligraphy looks super classy; like William Shakespeare threw up on a piece of paper. (It’s how the entire first act of Much Ado About Nothing was written.)

Read the rest here....

Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants

The Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ant. How would like to get a package of these?

In a recent post, But Seriously, I described of my use of Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants when dealing with critics. When I receive criticism I feel is unwarranted, I drop a package in the mail to the criticizer. The package contains a colony of the ants in question. The label on the package reads: shake roughly before opening. (The only thing Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants hate more than critics is to be shaken roughly.)

Note: For criticism to reach the Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ant level, it has to really hurt my feelings; if I exhale a feeble whimper followed by a pained, why, upon receiving the criticism, you’re getting ants in the mail.

It would seem there some people out there who don’t believe that Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants are real. People who all suddenly seem to be experts on Amazonian wildlife and entomology. People who say they’ve done their own research and can’t find any evidence of the existence of such an insect.

Hey people, Google doesn’t know everything.

These people claim that no self-respecting taxonomist would give an ant such a silly name.

Things are often given weird or inappropriate names. Have you ever seen a person and immediately thought to yourself: that person’s parents misnamed him; his name should be Rat-Bastard Morgan instead of Piers.

Note: My deepest apologies to Piers Morgan and his family, that was entirely uncalled for, but I really like that joke.

They also say that ants don’t sting: they bite.

Nature provides us with many oddities and exceptions: mammals don’t lay eggs, but the duck-billed platypus does. Birds don’t swim under water, but penguins do. Humans don’t shed their skin like snakes, but Hugh Hefner does. The list goes on and on.

Note: No apologies for Hef: he’s a reptile.


Let’s say for the sake of argument, the name Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants, is in fact a product of my fertile if not slightly warped mind.

Read the rest here...

Veterans Fondly Remembered

This is my Memorial Day post from a year ago. I’m re-posting it for three specific reasons:

1. It’s appropriate for Memorial Day weekend.
2. For my critics who believe this blog isn’t serious enough, it’s the one semi-serious post I’ve written. (Don’t worry, there’s still humor in there.)
3. Unapologetic laziness.

Years ago I worked at an American Legion post. I met a lot of people during my time there. Some of them were ordinary people, some were interesting, some were bizarre and some were bizarrely interesting.

One of the more interesting people was Jack.

Jack constantly spoke in non sequiturs. At first I thought that he was simply hard of hearing, but I began to realize there was a thread of continuity in the things he was saying. His conversations would go off in seemingly weird and irrelevant tangents, but they generally seemed to make it back to their original points.

I’ve often wished that I had written some of them down, unfortunately I have the foresight of a mole and the hindsight of an eagle.

Here are some of my favorites that I can remember:

Jack: I remember when I paid only ten dollars a week for rent.

Other patron: We don’t live in the fifties anymore Jack.

Jack: What! (slamming his fist against the bar in indignation) I haven’t ridden a bicycle in years.
Other patron: What does riding a bicycle have to do with rent?

Jack: I’d rather pay for my truck insurance than ride a bicycle.

Other patron: Okay?

Jack: I can barely afford to pay my for rent and my truck insurance.

Or this one:

Open That Drawer; Week in Review!

ICYMI

If you haven't opened That Drawer In the Kitchen in a while, this is what you missed:

• Teri from Snarkfest was very eloquent (and by "eloquent" I mean "mad as an acre of West Texas rattlesnakes" ) in telling exactly why Norman "Boomer" Esiason needs to be bitch slapped. 
• Idiot-Prufs filled us in on prickly weeds, or as we called them when I was a kid in Texas, "bull neddles", and garden gnome asses. 

• Over at our Fellow Blog-in-Arms, Dumbass News, some shit for brains is suing McDonalds for 1.5 million because they gave him only one napkin with his order.

Get your ass in gear, hit the links above and go read these pieces of literary brilliance!

Also....be sure to subscribe to and follow all three of these idjits on your favorite social media!

Spring 2014: More Mooning Garden Gnomes

The prickly weed; an under appreciated weed.

The signs of spring are all around you:

• The temperature has warmed.
• The sound of birds chirping in the morning has replaced the sound of snow blowers and the guy across the street complaining bitterly as he scrapes the ice from his car.
• And the sound of his cursing as another ice-scraper breaks off in his hand and he yells, "that's it, I'm leaving this God forsaken weather and I'm going to Texas," as shakes his fist at the sky.
• Soon to replaced by his cursing as he scrapes bird crap from his windshield as he shakes his fist at the sky.
• The final remnants of where Gerald the neighbor kid, wrote insults to you in the snow with his pee, are finally melting away. That kid has a vivid imagination and a huge bladder.
• Your neighbor will begin work on his annual garden. In the coming months, he will regale you with baskets of fresh vegetables. He will explain to you that his garden has produced so overwhelmingly, that his own family couldn't possibly consume all the bounty themselves. Smug Jerk.
• Your other neighbor has once again placed a mooning garden gnome, Willard #6, facing your kitchen window.

Read the rest here...