The Secret Is Out! Heather's Journey Towards a Healthy Life

So I have finally fessed up and talked about what my secret is.  For those of you who do not know I am choosing to have gastric bypass surgery.  The above picture is me taken about 3-4 years ago.  I am sharing this picture because it was this picture when I saw a different person in that picture than how I felt.  I didn't feel any different, but when I saw this picture I knew I needed to start taking my life seriously.

 Now it was a long road from 3-4 years ago to now where I am making the decision to have surgery. For 3 years I put in so much effort, and I did lose weight, but it always came back.  It wasn't until this last year when I gained most of my weight back that it became more of a mental thing for me than anything else.  As women we put so much pressure on ourselves to put our families, friends and God first.  To always put ourselves last and that is what I did.  I couldn't possibly believe that if I put myself first and made myself a priority that my family and friends would be happy. I was DEAD wrong!!!!!  First of all how responsible is it of me to maintain a lifestyle that would cause me to be dead before my children have their children?  How responsible is it of me to ensure that my mother buries her only child before her?  How responsible is it of me to continue living mentally and physically unhealthy?  In order to take control over your life you have to live your life like a boss. Period. 

Read the rest.....

Does my home look like an animal shelter to you!?!

 We live in the country. OK, to be more accurate, we live in the sticks. There are a ton of bonuses to being on the outskirts of civilization, like having a tree at the ready for those potty emergencies when someone else is hoggin’ up the ONE bathroom in a house filled with way more than one bathroom hog.

 Sadly, there are also a few not-so-bonus things about living where we do. For instance, when folks know there’s little speed-gun presence, they tend to drive like bats outta hell on roads with no shoulder to swerve onto, should a stupid animal darts into their path. In the last 8 years, we’ve seen three deer-car collisions, cleaned up more wildlife than you can shake a stick at (that’s country talk for, “a LOT!”) after they failed to win their game of chicken with the cars, and lost more pets than I care to count.

 Word also travels fast out here, meaning EVERYONE knows where that one crazy animal lady calls home and they have little to no qualms about dumping animals in or around her yard. (A few months ago, someone dumped a chicken in our yard. No flippin’ joke!) We’ve sadly witnessed idiots stop in the road in front of our house and toss a half-grown cat out their window. MORE THAN ONCE...Keep on readin'

Drunk Dumbass Goes On Midget-Tossing Rampage!

Physically speaking, I am a small man.

Some Dumbasses would say the same about my mental capabilities and character too.

The ones who carry these ludicrous thoughts around with themselves are either

• 1) Liberals or
• 2) Those who wish to dethrone me as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde.

Let me tell you sons of motherless goats in Group 2 that it ain't gonna happen.

As far as Liberals go, I ain't skeered of a bunch of sissies who want to turn the USA into Fwance. What a perfect match. The Fwench wouldn't fight to save their own mothers and Liberals won't work to save their own mothers. Knowing that, I'm pretty sure that my reign as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde is safe.

Read the rest......

Stoopid Bumper Stickers!

T.G.I.F.!

Me too. 

See more Dumbass Bumper Stickers Here

Punch an Idiot in the Face Day

jack elam you sure ask a lot of questions
happy face idiot
wifes feet dont smell enough
cartoon scientists pictures
punch an idiot in the face day
bug eyed cartoon characters
job interview with gator boots
school counselors dumb
my idiot neighbor

A few weeks ago this cluster of search terms appeared on my stats page.

Several random thoughts immediately leapt into my brain.

Note: there’s a lot of room in my brain for random thoughts to leap, stretch out, or do an entire gymnastic floor routine; it’s pretty vacant up there.

Thoughts such as:

• What kind of questions does Jack Elam ask, and why are there so many of them?
• How badly do your wife’s feet have to smell for it to be enough?
• How do you know my neighbor, and how do you know he has a happy face?
• Wow, this blog certainly attracts some weirdos (but not you).
• Punch and idiot in the face day? Is that a real thing?

After doing an extensive amount of research–Google–I discovered that “punch an idiot in the face day” does not exist.

Bitter disappointment.

Then I had another thought: just because something isn’t, doesn’t mean it can’t be.

Read my solution here....

Lady Bren: T-Shirt Offensive to Anorexics; Are People Really This Cruel?

I am a pretty creative guy.

Sometimes I read something and think "that would have been better if it was written like this."

Having said that, I am also smart enough to know when something is better left alone - untouched and unrevised.

What you are about to read is one of those things that is perfect just the way it is.

Quick back story: about a week ago a good blogger friend of mine asked me to put the Fearless Leader Pile Driver (meaning show this guy for the asshole he is as only I can do) to a taint stain that she and her daughter came across while stopping to grab some lunch at a local eatery.

I cannot improve upon nor shed further light on what a dipshit my friend and her daughter encountered that day.

So, in her own words, here's The World According to Lady Bren: 


I just have to jump right in here. I don't know why I keep getting amazed about people's cruelty and stupidity.  Tonight we ran into such a person and I couldn't keep quiet.I dropped Meg off to grab a sandwich from Pita Pit, one of her preferred "safe" places to eat.  Upon sitting in the car she burst into tears.  Through sobs she tells me that there was a very large, morbidly obese man wearing a t-shirt that says "I Beat Anorexia". "Why would he make fun of this?  It makes me feel as if nothing I've done matters." At first I thought maybe she read it wrong and it was a shirt supporting someone struggling with Anorexia.  I wasn't sure what to do at first then I noticed how much this was effecting her, I felt like I was watching some of her strong walls breaking down onto her.  With just a moment's thought I parked the car and went into the store.  There was only one family eating so figuring it out who was easy.  I walked past to read the shirt.  Sure enough this man who was spilling out of his chair was wearing what had to be a size 6X if not larger T-Shirt with I BEAT ANOREXIA across the front. Read the rest here.

Giant Sucking Sound: Dumbass Siphons Sewage, Not Gas, From R V!

It is for the newer Dumbasses that I bring back one of the funniest (and most popular!) stories in the History of Dumbass News!

Read the rest here.....