What's wrong with me?

What’s Wrong With Me?

I'm not feeling right.

Something is a bit off.

I seem to be suffering from some mysterious medical condition.

The symptoms are myriad:

• Nausea.
• Runny nose.
• Headaches in my stomach.
• Stomach aches in my head.
• Squirrels steal my mail and replace it with half eaten nuts.
• Everything smells like fear.
• Everything tastes like pine cones.
• Pine cones taste like pickled beets (but they smell like fear).
• The sound of Justin Bieber’s voice makes me weep uncontrollably.
• I have a rash on my butt in the shape of Piers Morgan’s face.
• I have a rash on my face in the shape of Piers Morgan’s butt.
• My left eyeball pops out of its socket at really inconvenient times.
• Itchy scalp.
• Dizziness.
• Chills.
• Tremors.
• Tremors 2.
• Any movie involving giant mutant worms.
• Sleeplessness.
• Sleeplessness from incontinence.
• Sleeplessness because Elvis’ ghost visits me nightly and gripes endlessly about how Mary Tyler Moore Hogged up all the screen time in Change of Habit.
• The compulsion to make ridiculous lists.
• Paranoia.

Find out what's wrong here....

Karma can strangle too!

Y'all, this made me laugh hard!! Dumbass steals a snake from Petco, then drives her getaway Prius. The snake then proceeds to WRAP ITSELF AROUND HER NECK! She apparently loses control of said Prius and crashes into a firehouse. I love Karma!!!

Photo courtesy: 6abc.com

Woefully Inadequate Preparation

Woefully Inadequate Preparation

Useless knowledge when you’re about to be cut.

This occurred while I was working as a quality control inspector at a steel coating plant near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I was sitting at my desk filling out paperwork–paperwork that I’m sure was vital to the daily functioning of the plant, and not be interrupted–when the crane operator, Jim, burst into the office.

“We have a problem,” he barked.

Jim tended to have problems more days than not. Urgent problems. Urgent problems of all varieties. (I could tell it was urgent because Jim was using his urgent voice. His urgent voice was similar to his whiny voice, but an octave higher.)

I looked around the office to discover I was the only one there. Crap.

“Houston,” I said to him.

“What?”

“When you burst into a room to exclaim that you have a problem, you’re supposed to say, ‘Houston, we have a problem.'”

“But we’re not in Houston.”

Note: nobody gets me.

“Never mind. What’s the problem?” I asked with genuinely feigned interest.

“Look at this,” he said as he shoved his phone at me. It was a picture of some temp workers standing outside on a smoke break.

“It’s a picture of some temp workers standing outside on a smoke break.” I said.

“You don’t see the problem?” He was incredulous.

“The threat of emphysema?”

“Look closer.” He shoved the phone at me again.

“Okay. They’re all smoking cigarettes, except for that little guy who seems to be holding…a crack pipe.”

“So you understand the problem now?”

“He’s not sharing with the others?”

“This is serious,” he snapped.

“Selfishness is a serious problem, Jim,” I admonished him.

“I can’t be operating a crane out there with people running around all hopped up on drugs.”

“Do people still use the phrase hopped up?”

“Are you going to do something or not?”

To find out if I did anything....http://idiotprufs.com/