HJOj_SKjmQIGQwfbde_0DpO42c0 That Drawer in the Kitchen: March 2014

Monday, March 31, 2014

One Napkin Equals $1.5 Million Lawsuit Against McDonalds! By Fearless Leader!

I never thought I'd ever write the following words:

McDonalds is a pox on American Society.

Man, that hurt. 

I have been eating at The Golden Arches for over fifty years! (And, boy am I full! Hahahaha!) That was so long ago that the McDonalds sign said "Over 13 Served".


Mark down this day as The Day I Say Adios to Mickey D's. 

Bonsoir, Big Mac. Que sera sera Quarter Pounder. Ciao Chicken McNuggets. Farewell, Filet O' Fish (Now 2 for $3.33!)

I'm done with all you Rat McBastids! (2 for $5!)

Sunday, March 30, 2014

A Case of Delusion?

"I hope no one saw me."

A resident of the great commonwealth of Pennsylvania, has reported to police that his 1973 Winnebago motor home was vandalized by a Bigfoot. The windows and tail lights were broken out with what he described as a fusillade of rocks.

Is that delusional?

Note: isn’t fusillade a fun word to use?

In the police report the suspect was described as: “very large, brown in color, and walks somewhat hunched over.” The victim was unable to describe whether the attacker “was hairy” investigators added.

Is that delusional?

Evidently in an attempt to avoid discovery, the ape-like creature began to hurl rocks at the Winnebago.

Is that delusional?

Note: avoiding discovery is only 8th or 9th on my list of reasons to hurl rocks at things.

In an odd coincidence, it seems the victim happens to be a Bigfoot hunter, and has a Facebook group devoted to such.  His Facebook page offers some advice if you come face-to-face with a Sasquatch. Here are couple of gems, verbatim:

Bigfoot tip #1: when being chased by a sasquatch run up hill if its a male .. they have an extended forehead so they have to stop offten to look up.

Bigfoot tip #2:  if its a female run down hill they have no bras so they got big ole lady boobs and when running downhill they flop about and they have to stop to plop them over their shoulders…..

What the hell...is that delusional?

Note: I don't know if the victim pronounces the T in often, but he adds an extra F.

Victim of alleged fusillade.

 The victim is also a Cubs fan, and has high hopes for their chances at making the World Series this year.

Now that is delusional.

***Y'all Be Sure to Visit Idiot-Pruf's Home Blog Here ***

Friday, March 28, 2014

Zoe From "Behind the Mask of Abuse" Is In the Drawer!

His Royal Dumbass, invited me to do a guest post on this here weird looking blog. I figured I didn't want to let him down. I couldn't help but think that he really is a Dumbass, if he’s inviting me to do a guest post. He hardly knows me or what he’s getting into. That just may be the epitome of Dumbassness.
I guess I should introduce myself I'm Zoe and I'm a blogger. *Everyone says, “Hello Zoe.”* My blog is not a funny one but I sure do love to laugh and banter, it’s good for the soul. What better way to laugh than at one’s own dumbass moments right?!

First I want to thank you Oh Great Dumbass for opening up this space to me. It looks a little different back here than what I'm used to. Did I follow the directions properly? Am I in the right place?!  On a side note, it could use a little cleaning. Have you cleaned lately?  I'm just sayin…

Okay enough stalling.

I’m ready to grace you all with some of my dumbass moments. Sit back, buckle up and hang on for the ride.

Read the rest.....

Thursday, March 27, 2014

MishMawsh & Other things Has a Recipe in the Drawer!

Hello everyone, so today's post is a mistake I made in the kitchen.  Sometimes mistakes we make turn into something even better.  My original idea was to make a chicken pot pie. I knew early on that this was not going to be a pot pie because I made way too much filling.  This is the same idea of a pot pie but it has a biscuit topping, the filling is the same but there is so much of it there is no way it was going to fit in a pie pan.  So I grabbed my biggest casserole dish I have.  I took a little help from a cookbook one of my newest ones and one of my favorites too, Miss Kay's Duck Commander Cookbook.  I am not the best biscuit maker, just ask my oldest child.  She will tell you that my biscuits turn out to be more like crackers than biscuits.  Oh the memories.  However when I tried Miss Kay's recipe I was pleasantly surprised.  I had to improvise on one ingredient but you will understand when I get there.  So before I keep rambling on and on, I will just get to how to make this ok.

Get the recipe here!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

I Wrote a Guest Post for a Big Blog Called Long Awkward Pause!

Long Awkward Pause has quickly become one of my favorite blogs.

The people over there are hilarious.

They are also stoopid.

They actually ASKED me to write a Guest Post for them!

So I did.

Featuring the Ever-Popular Funny Newspaper Headlines!

Go read it here....

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Canadian-ite Dumbasses: Fast Food Fooks Up Your Brain, Eh? By Fearless Leader!

I was an unmarried Fearless Leader for many years before I met and eventually got hitched to Mrs. Fearless Leader.

In those days, I did all The Things Necessary for Survival, myself.

I cleaned my house, drank beer, did my own laundry, drank beer, cooked and drank more beer.

I'm a pretty good cook, but I don't do it much anymore since I got hitched to Heather, but back in The Old Days I was known to cook a damn good T-Bone, make a bad ass pot of red beans and put together some Mucho El Good-o Meskin Cornbread.

And drink a shit load more cold beer.

Let me tell you, it's hard work being a Single Fearless Leader doing all The Things Necessary for Survival and drinking all that beer.

To be honest, though, I didn't cook a helluva lot, just when I felt like it. Or when I wanted a T-Bone or a bad ass pot of red beans and a side of Meskin Cornbread. I often ate at fast food joints such as Whataburger, McDonalds or Taco Bell.

Read the rest.....

Friday, March 21, 2014

Cyber Crime Solved by Pic of Boobs on Internet!

Best of Dumbass News

Certain subject matter draws readers to this blog like a candy store brings in fat kids.

If you were to go to the "Dumbass Search" feature located in the right side bar and typed in nekkid, tattoos or boobs, you would come up with the most popular posts this blog has put forth.

I have written some outstanding articles dealing with other material, but nekkidtattoos and boobs are hands down the favorite topics of the Dumbass Horde. Hit up those three links and you'll see exactly what kind of perverted Dumbasses I get reading my award-worthy filth. You can thank me later.

Read the rest.....

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Are You Physically Fit? By Idiot-Prufs

“Are you physically fit?” bellowed the man on the television screen as he jabbed a muscular finger in my direction.

“I don’t know,” I exclaimed, a bit startled by the suddenness of the question.

“Are you physically fit?” he persisted. This man was loud, muscle bound, and so deeply tanned that where ever he was, he must have been near the surface of the sun.

“You’re getting older,” he continued.

I am getting older, I thought, nearly every day.

“Do you even know what it means to be physically fit?”

I had to admit that I really didn’t.

“Of course you don’t know what it means, you’re a tiny pathetic weed of a man.”

I still didn’t know what it meant, was a little insulted, but wished that someone would tell me.

“Well I’m going to tell you.” He seemed to be reading my mind. “Physical fitness is the ability of the body to function with vigor and alertness, and with ample energy to engage in leisure activities. Endurance and cardio respiratory integrity are the overt signs of physical fitness.

Well this was absolutely no help at all.

My body functions with vigor and alertness, in as much as I seldom fall asleep when I don’t want to. I have endurance; I can run over one-hundred feet before the searing pain in my side renders my unconscious. As far as cardio respiratory integrity goes, my heart’s been beating for my entire life and hasn’t stopped yet, how much more integrity do you need?

Ample energy for leisure activities? Any activity that requires an amount of energy that can be characterized as ample, isn’t leisurely at all.

Here are a few activities that I don’t consider leisurely: running, jogging, speed walking, walking normally over long distances, walking slowly up an incline, lifting heavy objects, carrying heavy objects, lifting then subsequently carrying heavy objects, rock climbing. Rocks should never be climbed, if you’re trying to get somewhere and there is a rock in the way, go around it or blow it up. Why do think Alfred Nobel invented dynamite? They didn’t name that award after him because he wasted his time scrabbling up and down rocks.

It was at this point that the man on the screen began doing squat-thrusts. There has never been a time in the history of mankind that it was necessary to do a squat-thrust.

I decided to change the channel. Eventually I found a man reclined in a hammock, sipping a drink through a straw as waves washed a sun soaked beach in the background.

Now that’s a leisurely activity; one for which I have ample energy.

Monday, March 17, 2014

No Check In the Mail; Guy Bites Mailman! By s2!

Man bites mailman, however, is Dumbass.

Meet Robert Kiefer, aged 25, of Akron, Ohio:


Mr. Kiefer was anxiously awaiting a check. His disappointment that said check didn't arrive was made manifest when he chased down the 56 year old mail carrier, snatched his pepper spray, squirted it in his eyes, and threw him to the ground. In the ensuing moments, Kiefer is alleged to have bitten his victim 3 times.

Police officers found Kiefer and the postman engaged at a nearby intersection, surrounded by a small crowd of onlookers. Intervention led to a short lived scuffle between Kiefer and law enforcement. Seems they had pepper spray, too.

Research revealed that the dumbass lives in a single family dwelling owned by someone named R. Kiefer, but that individual is in his eighties. This leads me to believe Dumbass is living with his grandfather, or a relative of his grandfather's generation.

From whom, then, was the check (that didn't arrive) coming? Or not coming, as the case may be.
Onlookers? Nobody stepped up to aid a 56 year old man, defending himself against somebody half his age? And why is there no cell phone video available?
Is this dumbass a likely Occupy _______ member?
Going out on a limb here, but what line of work do you suppose he does? I ask, because it is apparent that waiting on the mailman is NOT a lucrative career choice.

Even for a dumbass.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Dumbass "House For Sale" Signs & Ads!

At Fearless Leader/Dumbass News Enterprises Amalgamated, we pride ourselves in being a diversified corporate entity.

I made that diversified corporate entity shit up .

The only "diversity" we care about at Fearless Leader/Dumbass News Enterprises Amalgamated is making fun of Dumbasses of all races, creeds, colors and sexual orientations.

If we haven't written anything that offends you, please let us know and we'll try harder.

More signs & ads at Dumbass News!

Today's target: Realtors

And they felt the need to put this sign up why?

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

"I'm Just so Happy to be Here" By Idiot-prufs

Idiot: a dolt, a dullard, a mentally deficient person, the guy who drives down the road with his seatbelt hanging from the door making sparks on the road.
Idiot-pruf: Any lesson learned as the direct result of an overt act of idiocy or the observation of an overt act of idiocy.
Example: If you don't want to be mocked by your friends; don't drive down the road with your seatbelt hanging from the door making sparks on the road.

I can hardly contain my excitement at the prospect of my blog, idiot-prufs, joining the contents of That Drawer in the Kitchen. I'm feeling dizzy with giddiness, my palms are sweaty, my head is swimming and my stomach is in knots. And I'm almost certain it has nothing to do with my dysentary.

Let's examine the contents found in a typical kitchen drawer:
  • Assorted rubber-bands.
  • A flashlight with no batteries.
  • Batteries.
  • A roll of unused Mr. Yuk stickers.
  • A scrap of paper with the number for the poison center hotline hastily scribbled on it.
  • That menu from the China Jade restaurant, that jams the drawer every time you try to open it.
  • $2.79 in Canadian coins. (Canadians just call them coins.)
  • That cool rock you found that is shaped just like a duck.
  • A pen that doesn't write.
  • A pen that writes but also leaks ink all over the place.
  • An empty bottle of stain remover.
  • An expired coupon for a bottle of stain remover.
  • A box of 20 ultra petite condoms. (My kitchen drawer is not your kitchen drawer; don't judge me.)
  • The manual for the toaster oven you threw away four years ago, after it caught on fire because you didn't follow the instructions in the manual.
  • A butt-load of irony.
  • Idiot-prufs the blog.
I'm just so happy to be here. Stay tuned.

Note: idiot-prufs has often been referred to as the juggernaut of the blogging world. Generally by me. Occasionally by others. But mostly by others when I lie about what others have said.

***Y'all Be Sure to Visit I.P.'s Blog - Idiot-Prufs ***

Monday, March 10, 2014

Irony in elephant slippers...

Hey I'm new to That Drawer in the Kitchen and this is my first post, so be gentle. I'm very sensitive. Excuse
me for just one second.....


Ok I'm back. For my first post I thought I'd introduce you to my oldest daughter, 16. She just took the SAT's this past weekend. She has taken them before and that's what I'm going to be telling you about. You see, both of my kids are pretty smart. I'm not bragging like they're 'oooh I'm gonna cure cancer before I'm 18' smart, but they can hold their own.

When 16 was just 12 years old, she was invited to participate in the Johns Hopkins Center for Talented Youth program. She went online and took some tests and answered some questions and was offered a few different classes. One of the things they invited her to do was to take the SAT's. At age 12.  Very cool for her, also very scary, since she'd be taking the test with lots of high school kids in a town where she didn't know any of the high school kids. Pretty nerve-wracking for a 12 year old, right?

We registered her to take the test up where my in-laws live and we drove up the night before the test so that we didn't have to get up at the ass crack of dawn and drive an hour and a half. The night before, I made sure that both girls packed their overnight bags and that 12 (at the time) had her calculator, her number 2 pencils and all the other things SAT test-takers need. I also had them put pajamas on because I figured when we arrived at my inlaws, they could both go right to bed.

Here's where it gets fun.

We drove up the highway, and just about 1 mile from my in-laws' exit, at about 11:15 at night, 12 decides that that would be a great time to remember that she forgot to pack shoes. 11:15 at night, no shoe stores open, no Walmart open, no 24 hour Target. And no shoes for 12 to wear to take her SAT's.

"What are you wearing now?" I asked.
"These..." she said and held up her feet to show me the big pink elephant slippers she was wearing.
"Seriously? You're in the Johns Hopkins Center for Talented Youth program, you're so smart that they want you to take the SAT's and you're going to show up in pink elephant slippers??? Are you serious??" I would've done a face palm had I not been driving.
These: in pink.   Image courtesy of Amazon.com

Thank goodness my mother-in-law had the same size foot at my 12 year old daughter, and she was able to lend her a pair. But I still would've loved to have seen the faces on the high school kids, looking at this little 12 year old girl in pink elephant slippers showing up for the SATs.

***Y'all be sure to check out Teri's blog! It's friggin' great! Snarkfest ***

"Situational Awareness Photos" by s2, Dumbass Emeritus

Stoo, Dumbass Emeritus is a long-time member of the Dumbass Horde

Stoo has also contributed mightily, through observation and content, to the preservation and dissemination of Dumbassery.

Today, Ladies and Gentlemen, stoo, Dumbass Emeritus, makes his initial foray into the blogosphere as a Public Provider of Stoopidity with this collection of photos entitled "Situational Awareness".

I know, the urge to relieve oneself can be all consuming, but don't let it lead to actual, you know, consumption.

Yeah, trophies are nice, and all, but....

Okay, narcissism in a Dumbass trait, but what about the person that took this photo? Unless the skinny broad also has a tripod mounted camera on a timer, that is.

Boy, is she gonna be pissed!

She doesn't hear the cat telling her to look out?

Non-lethal, and he IS getting a nap out of the deal. So, silver lining.

Career politicians should know all about Situational Awareness. Happily, David Cameron of the UK, is clue challenged.

Okay, so they're pretty young, and mostly blonde. Still...

They THINK they're having a good day. All that is about to change, though.

Now here, the subject (pronounced Dumbass) seems to be trying for Situational Awareness, so the photographer is some special sort of jerk.

Different guy, same ol' Dumbassery.
Dumbasses, the lot of 'em.

Friday, March 7, 2014

"10 Tips for Dating" By It's Amazing I dont Drink

Googly Eyed Swamp Donkey

We are going to change gears around here a little bit and I am going to be posting over here once a week instead of every day.  I am just not smart enough to think of shit off the top of my head every day.  Hell, I am lucky that I remember to put on a damn bra everyday and even that can be iffy.
 Even though I am married, I still understand the whole dating scene, I have a lot of single friends and what they are facing when they walk outside their front doors, is nothing more than frightening fuckers one way or another.  Here is my list of warning signs that you may want to consider when you are faced with a flight or fight response, for men and women.

Read the rest at It's Amazing I dont Drink

Thursday, March 6, 2014

"I am not just a One Trick Pony" by It's Amazing I dont Drink

In the That Drawer in the Kitchen: It's Amazing I dont Drink

Welcome to my new blog.  Now some of you may know me by my recipes on youtube and on Mishmawshandotherthings.com but I am not just a one trick pony.  I have been writing short stories, and keeping a journal since I was in the 3rd grade.  See that little blond haired girl in the picture, that is me when I was 2 years old.  All sweet and kind but full of hell and you would never know by looking at that little chubby face but it all was about to change. Before I begin to tell you the main purpose for this blog I should explain that every day of my life is a sitcom.

Read the rest at It's Amazing I dont Drink.

Stop Gang Activity in Your City! Give Criminals GEDs!

In our justice system a man is innocent until proven guilty by a jury of his peers. If he is found not guilty, he's a free man, facing no further prosecution from the government.

In Cleveland, Ohio they do things a little differently when a man is found not guilty.

They give the defendant  their jury duty pay! 

Is this a great country or what?

Read the rest at Dumbass News.

Gangsta With a GED!

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Now With an All Star Lineup of Bloggers!

Soon That Drawer In the Kitchen will once again open up.

This time things will be quite a bit different.

And more exciting.

And better.

Here's a little background and some information that you might find useful: You & Me, A Blogging Team: A Dumbass Idea That Just Might Work! 

In the next few days, That Drawer In the Kitchen will begin to feature an All Star lineup of bloggers from around the world writing about as many topics as the number of things in that drawer in your kitchen.

You know which drawer I am talking about - the one with everything in but kitchen stuff!

That Drawer In the Kitchen is kind of like gumbo - no two of those drawers (or gumbos) have the same things in them as somebody else's "that drawer" (or gumbo), but it is still a kitchen drawer (or gumbo)!

All Star Bloggers

So far, our Blogroll of Bad Asses includes:

And last, but certainly not least....

  • One of the funniest people, most unique writers and the best cook I have ever come across is Heather from It's Amazing I dont Drink . She also just happens to be my wife.
I am fairly certain that we'll be adding more talent as time goes on, and as people get drunker, to our roster in the coming days and weeks.

If you'd like to join us as a contributor at That Drawer In the Kitchen, simply drop me a line at thatdrawerinthekitchen AT gmail DOT com. I also urge you to read this post so you can get an idea about what to expect if you want to jump in the drawer with us.

We are a work in progress, but we have the Team and the foundation upon which to build a blog that will benefit us all!