HJOj_SKjmQIGQwfbde_0DpO42c0 That Drawer in the Kitchen: April 2014

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Funny Animal Hospital Signs!

I know that many members of The Dumbass Horde are lovers of a vast array of God's Little Critters. 

But I am not here today to write about children.

Or midgets. 

I am specifically referring to creatures of a four-legged, reptilian or piscatorial nature. Note: my favorite Dumbass News story is about the New Years Eve Possum Drop in North Carolina.

Usually when I write about animals, it's just to piss of the meth heads at PETA. 

However, today I am extending an olive branch to the meth heads at PETA by bringing us all (non-meth head non-PETA members & meth head PETA members alike) together with something each of us has in common with the other - a love of animals.

I like my animals medium rare, PETA likes theirs virgin.

Well....not exactly animals per se, rather with humorous signs that have been spotted in front of veterinary clinics across the Fruited Plain. 

What say you, PETA? Can we bury the hatchet?

Preferably smack dab in the middle of your mush-filled skulls!

Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

On that happy note........

Welcome to The First Ever Edition of Dumbass Animal Hospital Signs!


Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Exploding Vacuum Cleaners and Other Acts of God


It’s happened to everyone hasn’t it? Throughout the course of your life at some point or another, you are going to set somebody’s carpet on fire.

Accidents happen. Things catch on fire. Things explode. Things tip over, catch on fire, and explode. It’s inevitable really.

It shouldn’t be a big deal.

Evidently it is a big deal to some people.

It’s a big deal to people who have no sense of humor.

It’s a big deal to people who have a tendency to be ill-tempered.

It’s a big deal to people who have a tendency to say angry hurtful things.

It’s a big deal to people who have no sense of humor, a tendency to be ill-tempered, and to say angry hurtful things.

It’s a big deal to people who have high-pitched, squeaky, cartoon-rodent like voices.

It’s a big deal.

There were valuable lessons learned the day of the exploding vacuüm cleaner and the great carpet fire:

Find out what happened here....


Dumbass Does Drugs, Sets Self on Fire, Puts Fire Out in Car Wash! But, Wait, There's More!

Before I get into today's story, I'd like to thank pixie c d, aka, Chris Dean, for yesterday's hilarious guest post. It was one of the most popular Guest Posts in the History of Dumbass News! If you have any more (and I know you do!) Dumbassery to share with the Dumbass Horde, Chris, you are more than welcome to further embarrass yourself on this blog at any time.

Also, a huge shout out to all of Chris' readers at pixie c d for taking time to come over, read Chris' post and leave some terrific comments. I hope y'all will stop by again.

I have traveled to, through and/or lived in over 30 of the fifty States in the Union.

North Dakota fills none of those bills.

For the Yoopers in the audience, that means "I ain't never been there." 

Therefore, I don't know a helluva lot about The Dakota On Top.

I do, however, know that North Dakota is home to less than 750,000 people and the do a lot of oil bidness there.

There is a small town of about 18,000 North Dakota-ites, most of them White North Dakota-ites, named Mandan. I have never before heard of this burg.
Can You Show Me to the Nearest Car Wash, Please?

Until now.

Thanks to a Dumbass.

I'd like to thank David Kissee for this.

Let me splain.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Guest Post by Pixie C D, Chris Dean! "A Subconscious Bent Toward Serial Public Indecency"

 When Fearless Leader asked me if I’d like to share how much of a dumbass I am with y’all, I almost bounced outta my shorts with excitement! Of course, if you know me, you probably wouldn’t find that exactly out of the ordinary, considering I have a subconscious bent towards serial public indecency.

I Started Young


 It all started in my teens with The Summer of the Swimsuit. (Yeah, it was bad enough my family named it.) The suit in question was a modest one piece that I wore with great...oh, who cares. It was a perfectly modest swimsuit, right up until it made contact with water, turning the white spandex into a wet tissue paper wrapping.



 At least, that’s how it looked in every single picture from that summer. I still feel the need to crawl under a blanket and hide whenever I think about climbing the ladder to the high dive and the poor people in line behind (and under) me.

 I’m leaving the college years out of this, since there was alcohol involved. (Unless we’re talking about the times I stood on a friend’s roof and flashed the main drag during rush hour traffic. Which we’re not, so let’s just move on.)

Read the rest.....

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Granny With Gun to Bad Guys: Get Outta That Car! But It's THEIR Car!


Best of Dumbass News

I can not attest as to the veracity of today's Dumbass News.

With this admission I know that I am in danger of losing in one fleeting moment what has taken me two and a half years and millions of words to earn - your trust. Then again, if you put your trust in me, you are dumber than a box of yak poop.

Gun Totin' Granny

Now, if my Grandmother were alive today, I would carefully examine this story for her name. Sadly, however, she went on the her Reward more than a decade ago. Therefore I am confident that the Little Old Lady in the story is not her - though it still wouldn't surprise me if it were her! She was, without a doubt, the strongest person I have ever met in my life. Not strong as in Hercules, but strong as in determined and ruthless.


Friday, April 25, 2014

Fat Hairy Hillbillies: Even More Weird Search Terms

search, idiotprufs
It's time for another edition of weird search terms.

As always, these are all search terms exactly as they appear on my stats page.

fat hairy hillbillies   I'm just relieved the word nude wasn't included in this search term.

gator boots for job interviews  The reason I didn't get that job with PETA--and why I got banned from their building.

confused idiot  I wasn't confused, the gator boots were a fashion choice.

interview idiots job  I didn't get the job, you don't have to rub it in.

high ronald mcdonald  Why I was fired from McDonalds.

what happens when rats eat mcdonalds  Those rats were real; I thought it was a hallucination.

chigger bites on testicles embarrassing story  Is it embarrassing for you, or for the chigger.

how to clean and stretch a raccoon  Finally someone is addressing this?

very very surprised animal  I'll bet it was.

hatred of racoons  Maybe if you stopped stretching them, your relations with them would improve.

kissing hand raccoon coloring page  Rabies shots are fun for kids.

saw amish guy buying whole dead racoons  So much for raccoon Glasnost, who would do such a thing?

amish mafia  Enough said.

lyrics beer forklift  The worst polka song ever.

don gay bullridieng with band the rodeo clown  The worst country song ever.

stressed out stick people  You'd be stressed out too, if you had no discernible genitals

For the rest of the list....


Thursday, April 24, 2014

She Said What? Napoleon's Weenie Found in Penis Museum!

I read the following post at my Aussie BFFFL Steph's blog She Said What?, a few days ago and I felt compelled to share it with you.

It's about a penis. Not an ordinary penis mind you, but one of the Most Famous Penises in All of History! 

As the Proud Owner of a Perfectly Good Although Not World Famous Penis myself, this story, er, uh, um, "struck a nerve".

Here's why:

Editor’s Note: Before you read this be warned….This is a post about penises. Preserved and very, very old, weird and small penises. Not the usual for a lesbian blog. Continue reading at your own risk. It is, however, incredibly interesting and both historically and anthropologically significant. Also there’s an actual penis museum. Not kidding.
Napoleon‘s pecker (member, little john, carpet snake *insert as many euphemisms as you like here*) has been discovered.
Yes, you did read that correctly. Napoleon’s ‘member’ has been preserved in a box for all this time, and it’s in keeping with the general theme of his stature (the poor dude has been dead for AGES and we’re still joking about his height. I actually had a moment of sympathy. Then promptly realised he’s dead. He doesn’t care).
The penis was rumoured to have been cut off during his autopsy in 1821 and given to a priest in Corsica (why the priest wanted Napoleon’s penis is unknown. I’m just going to leave that well alone).
You can read the climax of the The Little General's Little General here...


Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Are You a Bank Robber? Use Underwear as a Mask!

Criminals are, by definition, Dumbasses.

Out of the billions of crimes committed around the world each day, when was the last time you heard of the "perfect crime"? Yeah, I know that against all odds some crooks get away with their crimes. The "not quite so perfect crimes" are ones where the bad guys get away with their misdeeds for a number of years, then one day the FBI knocks on their door and Freedom ain't so free any more.

I mean I can understand the fact that some idiot robs a 7-11 and gets away with it. Look at who works at a 7-11 these days - guys from Calcutta named "Bruce". No offense to guys from Calcutta named Bruce, but sometimes these fellows are new to our country and things between them and the cops can get lost in the translation. Kind of like Tech Support at AOL.


Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Marketing Genius: Get a FREE Pizza with a Vasectomy!



As we all know, the economy is in pretty rough shape.

As a result, many retailers are offering incentives for you to shop at their business. You know what I mean...buy 1 get 1 free, late night sales that offer deep discounts, etc.

That said, I found a business with an incentive that tops anything you've ever seen before.


Snip Snip

A doctor in Sandwich. Massachusetts had a plan for all you guys on the go. This special gives new meaning to the term "March Madness". For you men about town, Dr. Evan Cohen is offering with each vasectomy in March, a FREE pizza! Yes, men, while some guy is fooling around with your nut sack, you can enjoy a nice, hot pepperoni pizza!

Pepperoni.

Ironic, ain't it?

Read the rest.....

Monday, April 21, 2014

Dumbass Short Story - Bad Guy: "The Pot in the Stolen Car Ain't Mine!"

They say that brevity is the Soul of Wit.

If that's the case, today's story is a real Footstomper.

"Footstomper" is a Dumbass Way of saying "knee slapper".

"Knee slapper" is a Non-Dumbass Way of saying "funny as hell".

Therefore let us sally forth with stomping of feet and slapping of knees.

And the laughing off of asses.

The Brevity
  • Guy gets involved in disturbance.  
  • Cops are called.
  • Guy leaves scene of disturbance.
  • Police locate Guy as he drives away from altercation.
  • Guy gets pulled over.
Read the rest.....


Top 15 Cameraman Gripes on the Set of Amish Mafia

The Children of the Corn--all grown up.
The Children of the Corn--all grown up.
Number 15
Horse chigger bites itch like crazy.

Number 14
The way Steve is always referring to his beard as "The Babe Magnet."

I couldn't find a picture of Steve, so here's one of Weird Al Yankovic.
Weird Al Yankovic doing his best impression of Steve.
Number 13
They can never remember their lines.

Number 12
How they turn everything you say into something risqué by punctuating it with, "'tis what she sayeth."

Number 11
The way they laugh hysterically after they intentionally lead you through a pile of horse crap.

Number 10
The Amish have no idea how to make a good martini.



Sunday, April 20, 2014

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Get a Parking Ticket, Throw Poop at a Cop!

Best of Dumbass News

Lots going on at The Dumbass Dome.

Including surgery on your Fearless Leader.

Rather repeating a bunch of stuff, get the lowdown from yesterday's post. 
Oh Poop!

"Let's throw this against the wall and see if it sticks."

Usually that saying refers to an idea.

Or spaghetti. (to see if it's done)

What if the proverbial idea and/or spaghetti were doo doo?

Funny you should ask.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Here's Your Dumbass Sign!

By Dumbass News
             


It's Friday!!!!

I know that for many of you that means the end of a perfectly good week interrupted by work.

For many others of you that means your Weekend Pass from the Home for the Chronically & Criminally Fucked Up has been approved.

Either way, you are on the Dumbass Highway to Side-splitting Laughter or At Least a Hardy Guffaw with another exciting episode of Dumbass News Presents: Dumbass Signs & Shit! 

New Dumbasses will find much mirth, merriment and amusement in this previous edition of Dumbass Signs & Billboards

On With the Show!


Come On In! Or Not.

Just the Eggs Ma'am

Purchasing two dozen eggs at the supermarket is something that ought to be quick and simple.

Unfortunately I had forgotten the idiotprufs first rule of waiting: regardless of whatever line, queue, lane, or number taking method being used to make people wait, the line I happen to choose, will come to a screeching, flaming, imploding halt.

Just as it did this day:

Cashier: Did you check the eggs to make sure they're not broken?

Me: Yes I did.
Cashier: You have to check them individually.

Me: I already...(I look up from my wallet to find her individually checking every egg.)...did that.

Cashier: Men never check the eggs.

Me: I don't necessarily think that's true.

Cashier: Yes it is. (She moves on to the second dozen.) What are you going to do with these eggs?

Me: Well, I saw police car in front of the store, and thought it would be cool to get my name in the paper.

Cashier: (stops checking the eggs and stares at me with suspicion.) I can't sell these eggs to you if you're going to throw them at a police car.

Me: That was just a joke.

Cashier: So what are going to do with them?

Me: Just normal egg things.

Cashier: Such as?

Click here to find out if I got the eggs...

Monday, April 14, 2014

"Experts"

Ours is a nation whose shores are teeming with experts. They are vital to our existence. We could barely function on daily basis if not for these titans of knowledge and purveyors of wisdom. We know these things because it’s what they tell us.

We expect much of our experts, and they tell us how to do many ways:
  • They tell us what to do.
  • They tell us what not to do.
  • They tell us what to think.
  • They tell us what not to think.
  • They tell us where we should go.
  • They tell us where we shouldn’t go.
  • They tell us what we should or shouldn’t be thinking, while doing what we should or shouldn’t be doing, on way to somewhere we should or shouldn’t be going.
  • They tell us not to be long winded.
  • The tell us not to be abrupt.
  • They tell us not to make things too complicated.
  • They tell us not to make things too simple.
  • They tell us what to say.
  • They tell us what not to say.
  • They tell us not to pronounce the T in the word often.
  • But when they tell us, they pronounce the T in the word often.
  • And they do it often.
  • They tell us to read the rest of the post here...

Friday, April 11, 2014

Steal From Church & Have a Yard Sale!

The family that plays together, stays together.

Sometimes after they play together, they even go to The Slammer together.

Let Us Play

For millions of families across The Fruited Plain, a Family Game Night would include a Monopoly marathon, Uno, jigsaw puzzles or some other form of activity that brings a family together not only to play, but to bond and actually communicate with each other.

Other families might play Charades, watch a movie or burglarize a church.....

What???

Read the rest.....



Thursday, April 10, 2014

Man In Yellow Hat Jailed After Destructive Tirade

North East, Pennsylvania–In a bizarre story involving a construction site, a mischievous monkey and a bulldozer; a man in a big yellow hat was taken into custody following a destructive tirade.

It seems the man, who was traveling with the monkey, had stopped at a local market to pick up a few things. While he was inside, the monkey made his way across the street and onto a construction site where he found an idling bulldozer.

“I look up and I see the bulldozer tearing across the lot,” said Dirk, one of the construction workers who witnessed the incident. “I thought that Earl had lost his mind, but then I look and I see this freakin’ monkey, and he’s driving the bulldozer. We always joke with Earl that a monkey could drive a bulldozer…I guess we were right.”

Read what happens next here...


Monday, April 7, 2014

Rodeo Clowns, Boy Bands, Badgers and a Bull

Hey, is that N' Sync I hear?
Bulls are huge, powerfully built animals with menacing horns, devastating hooves, and an unflinching desire to be left alone.

Bull-riders, by comparison, are sweaty little cowboys who feel it's heroic to climb onto the backs of bulls, regardless of how irritating it is to the bull.

Bulls have names like Destroyer, The Widow-Maker and The Castrator.

Bull-riders have names like Earl, Bucky, and that guy who used have testicles.

Bulls are simple animals, content to stand around and chew their cud, occasionally pausing to pee on the dirt.

Bull-riders are simple people, content to stand around and chew tobacco, occasionally pausing to pee on the dirt.

The only thing in which bulls truly revel, is inflicting life threatening injuries upon things that annoy them.

Bull-riders annoy them.

Read the rest here....


Sunday, April 6, 2014

Open That Drawer; Week in Review!

ICYMI

If you haven't opened That Drawer In the Kitchen in a while, this is what you missed:
  • Teri from Snarkfest was very eloquent (and by "eloquent" I mean "mad as an acre of West Texas rattlesnakes" ) in telling exactly why Norman "Boomer" Esiason needs to be bitch slapped. 
  • Idiot-Prufs filled us in on prickly weeds, or as we called them when I was a kid in Texas, "bull neddles", and garden gnome asses. 



  • Over at our Fellow Blog-in-Arms, Dumbass News, some shit for brains is suing McDonalds for 1.5 million because they gave him only one napkin with his order.

Get your ass in gear, hit the links above and go read these pieces of literary brilliance!

Also....be sure to subscribe to and follow all three of these idjits on your favorite social media!

Friday, April 4, 2014

Lady Bigfoot Responds to Allegation of Floppy Breasts

Lady Bigfoot: upset about the allegation of floppy breasts.


In a recent post, A Case of Delusion?, I shared a few tips from the Facebook page of a group devoted to Bigfoot hunting. The page's creator, John Reed, related the following tips if you should happen to find yourself face to face with a Sasquatch:
"bigfoot tip #1 when being chased by a sasquatch run up hill if its a male .. they have an extended forehead so they have to stop offten to look up." He adds, "if its a female run down hill they have no bras so they got big ole lady boobs and when running downhill they flop about and they have to stop to plop them over their shoulders....."
So the first time I read this, I had a number of thoughts:
  1. Yikes.
  2. Doesn't Facebook have spell check?
  3. Yikes again.
  4. Judging by the contents of the Facebook page, this guy probably hasn't been any where near female breasts of any type, for quite some time.
  5. Seriously, yikes.
  6. Shouldn't you actually find a Bigfoot before you worry about being chased by one?
  7. I cannot overstate this: yikes.
  8. I wonder what a Lady Bigfoot would think about this?
The verdict is in: Lady Bigfoot is pissed. She is so upset, she is setting aside her reclusive nature, to come forward and address the comments made on the Facebook page. In an Idiotprufs exclusive, she has agreed to sit down with me to discuss it.

To read Lady Bigfoot's response....


Thursday, April 3, 2014

Did you know that Boomer Esiason needs to be slapped?

Hey folks! I've got my Irish up today over comments that Boomer Esiason made about scheduling the birth of one's child around the beginning of the sports season. What kind of an assbag tells people that he'd 'make his wife have a c-section before the season'?? You can read the full story at Snarkfest, and feel free to tell me what you think of this story.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Spring 2014: More Mooning Garden Gnomes

The prickly weed; an under appreciated weed.
The signs of spring are all around you:
  • The temperature has warmed.
  • The sound of birds chirping in the morning has replaced the sound of snow blowers and the guy across the street complaining bitterly as he scrapes the ice from his car.
  • And the sound of his cursing as another ice-scraper breaks off in his hand and he yells, "that's it, I'm leaving this God forsaken weather and I'm going to Texas," as shakes his fist at the sky.
  • Soon to replaced by his cursing as he scrapes bird crap from his windshield as he shakes his fist at the sky.
  • The final remnants of where Gerald the neighbor kid, wrote insults to you in the snow with his pee, are finally melting away. That kid has a vivid imagination and a huge bladder.
  • Your neighbor will begin work on his annual garden. In the coming months, he will regale you with baskets of fresh vegetables. He will explain to you that his garden has produced so overwhelmingly, that his own family couldn't possibly consume all the bounty themselves. Smug Jerk.
  • Your other neighbor has once again placed a mooning garden gnome, Willard #6, facing your kitchen window.
Read the rest here...

Big Foot Hoax Turns Dumbass Into Roadkill!

We have covered some very strange Dumbass Ways to Die here on Dumbass News and we'll do so again today,

But, let us first review some of the stoopid ways that some of our Dearly Departed Dumbasses have left this veil of tears.

One example of a real good way to die (unless you're the dead person) is during sex.

In one story, we found out about a woman who died doing the dirty deed with her husband. No she didn't bite the Big One having the Big O, she bit the bullet. Literally shot to death by her old man during some freaky Dirty Harry Sex Game. I have heard of sex weird ass sex toys, but a .45 ain't one of 'em.

Then there was the case of some Old Guy keeling over during a lap dance at the local Jiggle Joint, or the Titty Bar as some of you prefer.

Those Dead Dumbasses have nothing on the guy we will be highlighting today.

Read the rest.....