HJOj_SKjmQIGQwfbde_0DpO42c0 That Drawer in the Kitchen: May 2014

Friday, May 30, 2014

Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants

nerd idiotprufs ants
The Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ant. How would like to get a package of these?

In a recent post, But Seriously, I described of my use of Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants when dealing with critics. When I receive criticism I feel is unwarranted, I drop a package in the mail to the criticizer. The package contains a colony of the ants in question. The label on the package reads: shake roughly before opening. (The only thing Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants hate more than critics is to be shaken roughly.)

Note: For criticism to reach the Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ant level, it has to really hurt my feelings; if I exhale a feeble whimper followed by a pained, why, upon receiving the criticism, you’re getting ants in the mail.

It would seem there some people out there who don’t believe that Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants are real. People who all suddenly seem to be experts on Amazonian wildlife and entomology. People who say they’ve done their own research and can’t find any evidence of the existence of such an insect.

Hey people, Google doesn’t know everything.

These people claim that no self-respecting taxonomist would give an ant such a silly name.

Things are often given weird or inappropriate names. Have you ever seen a person and immediately thought to yourself: that person’s parents misnamed him; his name should be Rat-Bastard Morgan instead of Piers.

Note: My deepest apologies to Piers Morgan and his family, that was entirely uncalled for, but I really like that joke.

They also say that ants don’t sting: they bite.

Nature provides us with many oddities and exceptions: mammals don’t lay eggs, but the duck-billed platypus does. Birds don’t swim under water, but penguins do. Humans don’t shed their skin like snakes, but Hugh Hefner does. The list goes on and on.

Note: No apologies for Hef: he’s a reptile.

Let’s say for the sake of argument, the name Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants, is in fact a product of my fertile if not slightly warped mind.

Read the rest here...

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

The Big Family Picnic: The Aftermath

idiotprufs nerds
A lovely family having a picnic. This is not your family.

The holiday weekend has past, and the big family picnic over.

Your local emergency room has been taken off high alert and much of their staff has been given a well deserved vacation.

Once again your family has overtaxed their staff, frayed their nerves and extinguished their stock of gauze, sutures and eye patches.

Once again they’ve treated various members of your family for the following injuries, ailments and assorted issues:
  • Contusions.
  • Abrasions.
  • Cuts.
  • Lacerations.
  • Puncture wounds.
  • Broken bones.
  • Bone bruises.
  • Minor burns.
  • Severe burns.
  • Indian burns–you have an uncle that’s a jackass.
  • Food poisoning.
  • Alcohol poisoning.
  • Lead poisoning.
  • Radiation poisoning.
  • Smoke inhalation.
  • bite wounds–some animal, some human, some unidentifiable, and one that appears to be from a Bigfoot.
  • Stab wounds.
  • Gunshot wounds.
  • Crossbow wounds.
  • Ax wounds.
  • One particularly gruesome wound seemingly caused by medieval mace.
  • Asphyxiation in one individual who appears to have been strangled with a garter snake.
  • One garter snake bite.
  • Several cases of acute mental distress.
  • One case of a crippling fear of barbecue implements.
Once again your uncle brought his trunk full of games/weapons:

To read the rest click here....

Guest Post at Pixie C D! Bad Idea of the Day: I'm Not Graduating So I'll Call in a Bomb Threat to the College!

Hey, Y'all! Chris Dean at Pixie C D has invited me to destroy her blogging cred by asking me to write a guest post!
Here we are at the end of May.
Birds are singing, gardens are in the ground and college students around the country will soon be departing their Institutions of Higher Learning to leave their marks on the world.
And by "leave their marks on the world" I naturally mean "enter rehab". 
Or make bomb threats.
Sadly, bomb threats are fairly common today, even in the most unexpected of places - like Chinese airports and Guacamole Schools. 
And college graduations.
Let me splain.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Memorial Day, 2014: Honoring Heroes Who Made the Ultimate Sacrifice for Their Country

Today there is no silly stuff.

Memorial Day is a day in which we solemnly reflect upon the most sacred of sacrifices made by hundreds of thousands of men and women who have valiantly served in the Armed Forces of the United States of America throughout its nearly 238 year history.

Our Nation has been blessed by Providence with bravest and most selfless warriors to have graced any country in the annals of Mankind.

Powerful Words

A guy in one of my Google+ Circles, Don Turner, has captured the Spirit of this Memorial Day with words borne of a Patriot's heart. "Whenever I think back through American History my heart swells with pride. America thrives on freedom; freedom thrives where heroes dwell. We are a country of military heroes". You owe it to yourself to soak up the passion with which Don salutes the The Heroes in Our Midst.

The "Other" Soldiers 

No less brave nor courageous are the "Other" Soldiers that serve our Country. These "Other" Soldiers are the constant companions of the men and women on the front lines of combat in lands a world away.

As Phil the Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge reminds us "U.S. military canines quietly wait. Dogs 
Photo from Phil, Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge
of War serve with Honor, willingly". 

Arlington National Cemetary, May 31, 1982 - "The United States and the freedom for which it stands, the freedom for which they died, must endure and prosper. Their lives remind us that freedom is not bought cheaply. It has a cost; it imposes a burden. And just as they whom we commemorate were willing to sacrifice, so too must we -- in a less final, less heroic way -- be willing to give of ourselves."

-President Ronald Reagan

God bless our Heroes and may God continue to bless America.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Veterans Fondly Remembered

This is my Memorial Day post from a year ago. I’m re-posting it for three specific reasons:
  1. It’s appropriate for Memorial Day weekend.
  2. For my critics who believe this blog isn’t serious enough, it’s the one semi-serious post I’ve written. (Don’t worry, there’s still humor in there.)
  3. Unapologetic laziness.
Years ago I worked at an American Legion post. I met a lot of people during my time there. Some of them were ordinary people, some were interesting, some were bizarre and some were bizarrely interesting.

One of the more interesting people was Jack.

Jack constantly spoke in non sequiturs. At first I thought that he was simply hard of hearing, but I began to realize there was a thread of continuity in the things he was saying. His conversations would go off in seemingly weird and irrelevant tangents, but they generally seemed to make it back to their original points.

I’ve often wished that I had written some of them down, unfortunately I have the foresight of a mole and the hindsight of an eagle.

Here are some of my favorites that I can remember:

Jack: I remember when I paid only ten dollars a week for rent.

Other patron: We don’t live in the fifties anymore Jack.

Jack: What! (slamming his fist against the bar in indignation) I haven’t ridden a bicycle in years.
Other patron: What does riding a bicycle have to do with rent?

Jack: I’d rather pay for my truck insurance than ride a bicycle.

Other patron: Okay?

Jack: I can barely afford to pay my for rent and my truck insurance.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Hey Facebook, we are SO over!

  I have always maintained that of all my Social Media Children, Facebook is my favorite. So much my fave, that I don’t even try to hide it from the others. But lately, I’ve been noticing something new and disturbing about my first love, mainly that it makes me want to pry my eyes out of their sockets with a dull soup spoon. 15 minutes of Facesuck and my stomach is tied in Celtic knots and trying to chew its way out through my esophagus.
  Scrolling through the visual cacophony that is my stream, I am alternately revolted, horrified, outraged, and depressed over what I see. And that’s not even taking into account all the crap that buries the needle of my Bullshit-O-Meter in the “No Pair of Boots Will Save Your Socks Now” red zone.
This, my friends, is why I’m ditching Bitchbook...keep on readin'

Sunday, May 18, 2014

But Seriously

the critic
You’re just not serious enough.

My blog has recently received a criticism that I feel necessitates a response.

Note: when I write that my blog has received a criticism, what I mean is I’m choosing to focus on one criticism from the myriad of criticisms I have been inundated with. Criticisms of a variety and amount, they compel the use of the words myriad and inundate.

I have a meticulously constructed an eight step process for dealing with criticism.
  1. Dismiss it initially with a forced chuckle.
  2. Allow it to slowly creep back into my thoughts.
  3. Push it to the dark recesses of my brain where it will exist as a tiny glowing ember.
  4. Consciously ignore the fact that the glowing ember is growing into a substantial blaze.
  5. Remain in a state of denial as the blaze turns into a raging inferno.
  6. White-hot seething rage.
  7. I suddenly realize that I’m just being silly and relax.
  8. The next day I drop a package in the mail to the criticizer. The package contains a colony of Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants. The label on the package reads: shake roughly before opening.
Note: Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants hate to be shaken; they especially hate to be shaken roughly.

What was the criticism that triggered this post?

This blog isn’t serious enough.

Ridiculous. Here are some of the serious topics this blog has tackled:

Click here to find out what these serious topics are....

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Last Chance to Shop for Mom: Dumbass Gift Giving Guide!

If you are waiting until the last minute to get Mom "something special" for Mothers Day, be sure to consult the Dumbass Guide to Mothers Day Gifts!


A Dumbass Mothers Day Favorite for 3 Years Running!

Friday, May 9, 2014

The Secret Is Out! Heather's Journey Towards a Healthy Life

So I have finally fessed up and talked about what my secret is.  For those of you who do not know I am choosing to have gastric bypass surgery.  The above picture is me taken about 3-4 years ago.  I am sharing this picture because it was this picture when I saw a different person in that picture than how I felt.  I didn't feel any different, but when I saw this picture I knew I needed to start taking my life seriously.
 Now it was a long road from 3-4 years ago to now where I am making the decision to have surgery. For 3 years I put in so much effort, and I did lose weight, but it always came back.  It wasn't until this last year when I gained most of my weight back that it became more of a mental thing for me than anything else.  As women we put so much pressure on ourselves to put our families, friends and God first.  To always put ourselves last and that is what I did.  I couldn't possibly believe that if I put myself first and made myself a priority that my family and friends would be happy. I was DEAD wrong!!!!!  First of all how responsible is it of me to maintain a lifestyle that would cause me to be dead before my children have their children?  How responsible is it of me to ensure that my mother buries her only child before her?  How responsible is it of me to continue living mentally and physically unhealthy?  In order to take control over your life you have to live your life like a boss. Period. 

Beaker vs. Bieber: A Tale of the Tape

Muppet vs. Moppet

There’s no denying it; it’s the question that we’ve all been asking ourselves.

It’s the question that haunts our dreams and torments our waking hours.

It’s the debate that has fractured marriages, ruined friendships, and spoiled countless family barbeques, when bitter arguments conclude with a meat fork in the side of Uncle Al’s head.

It has catalyzed barroom brawls, riots in the streets, and led to the declaration of martial law in Schenectady, New York.

It has resulted in a flood of 911 calls from people who are dazed, confused and in search of answers (and one guy who couldn’t find his car keys).

It has resulted in a flood of harried 911 operators (and one who angrily uttered the phrase, “how should I know where your ****ing car keys are).

What is this debate?

Who would win in a throw-down between Justin Bieber and Beaker the muppet?

Let’s compare and contrast:

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Does my home look like an animal shelter to you!?!

 We live in the country. OK, to be more accurate, we live in the sticks. There are a ton of bonuses to being on the outskirts of civilization, like having a tree at the ready for those potty emergencies when someone else is hoggin’ up the ONE bathroom in a house filled with way more than one bathroom hog.

 Sadly, there are also a few not-so-bonus things about living where we do. For instance, when folks know there’s little speed-gun presence, they tend to drive like bats outta hell on roads with no shoulder to swerve onto, should a stupid animal darts into their path. In the last 8 years, we’ve seen three deer-car collisions, cleaned up more wildlife than you can shake a stick at (that’s country talk for, “a LOT!”) after they failed to win their game of chicken with the cars, and lost more pets than I care to count.

 Word also travels fast out here, meaning EVERYONE knows where that one crazy animal lady calls home and they have little to no qualms about dumping animals in or around her yard. (A few months ago, someone dumped a chicken in our yard. No flippin’ joke!) We’ve sadly witnessed idiots stop in the road in front of our house and toss a half-grown cat out their window. MORE THAN ONCE...Keep on readin'

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Drunk Dumbass Goes On Midget-Tossing Rampage!

Physically speaking, I am a small man.
Some Dumbasses would say the same about my mental capabilities and character too.
The ones who carry these ludicrous thoughts around with themselves are either
  • 1) Liberals or
  • 2) Those who wish to dethrone me as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde.
Let me tell you sons of motherless goats in Group 2 that it ain't gonna happen.
As far as Liberals go, I ain't skeered of a bunch of sissies who want to turn the USA into Fwance. What a perfect match. The Fwench wouldn't fight to save their own mothers and Liberals won't work to save their own mothers. Knowing that, I'm pretty sure that my reign as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde is safe.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Punch an Idiot in the Face Day

jack elam you sure ask a lot of questions
happy face idiot
wifes feet dont smell enough
cartoon scientists pictures
punch an idiot in the face day
bug eyed cartoon characters
job interview with gator boots
school counselors dumb
my idiot neighbor

A few weeks ago this cluster of search terms appeared on my stats page.

Several random thoughts immediately leapt into my brain.

Note: there’s a lot of room in my brain for random thoughts to leap, stretch out, or do an entire gymnastic floor routine; it’s pretty vacant up there.

Thoughts such as:
  • What kind of questions does Jack Elam ask, and why are there so many of them?
  • How badly do your wife’s feet have to smell for it to be enough?
  • How do you know my neighbor, and how do you know he has a happy face?
  • Wow, this blog certainly attracts some weirdos (but not you).
  • Punch and idiot in the face day? Is that a real thing?
After doing an extensive amount of research–Google–I discovered that “punch an idiot in the face day” does not exist.

Bitter disappointment.

Then I had another thought: just because something isn’t, doesn’t mean it can’t be.

Read my solution here....

Lady Bren: T-Shirt Offensive to Anorexics; Are People Really This Cruel?

I am a pretty creative guy.

Sometimes I read something and think "that would have been better if it was written like this."

Having said that, I am also smart enough to know when something is better left alone - untouched and unrevised.

What you are about to read is one of those things that is perfect just the way it is.

Quick back story: about a week ago a good blogger friend of mine asked me to put the Fearless Leader Pile Driver (meaning show this guy for the asshole he is as only I can do) to a taint stain that she and her daughter came across while stopping to grab some lunch at a local eatery.

I cannot improve upon nor shed further light on what a dipshit my friend and her daughter encountered that day.

So, in her own words, here's The World According to Lady Bren

I just have to jump right in here. I don't know why I keep getting amazed about people's cruelty and stupidity.  Tonight we ran into such a person and I couldn't keep quiet.I dropped Meg off to grab a sandwich from Pita Pit, one of her preferred "safe" places to eat.  Upon sitting in the car she burst into tears.  Through sobs she tells me that there was a very large, morbidly obese man wearing a t-shirt that says "I Beat Anorexia".
"Why would he make fun of this?  It makes me feel as if nothing I've done matters."
At first I thought maybe she read it wrong and it was a shirt supporting someone struggling with Anorexia.  I wasn't sure what to do at first then I noticed how much this was effecting her, I felt like I was watching some of her strong walls breaking down onto her. 
With just a moment's thought I parked the car and went into the store.  There was only one family eating so figuring it out who was easy.  I walked past to read the shirt.  Sure enough this man who was spilling out of his chair was wearing what had to be a size 6X if not larger T-Shirt with I BEAT ANOREXIA across the front.
Read the rest here.