HJOj_SKjmQIGQwfbde_0DpO42c0 That Drawer in the Kitchen: February 2015

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Putting One Thing on Top of Another Thing

Thing

blocks,
An example of my capabilities.
(image source: wpclipart.com)

“Do you understand?” He was gaping at me the way someone would who had just tried to explain calculus to an ape. And not one of those clever apes that knows sign language, but one those apes on the nature channel that’s eating its own poop.

“Seriously?” I responded.

“Yeah,” he spat the word at me in the most condescending arrogant voice he could conjure. “Did you understand what I just explained to you?”

Note: in fairness to him, the most condescending arrogant voice he could conjure, turned out to simply be his voice.

Allow me to go back to the beginning and explain: I am referring to an experience I had as a temporary worker. When you’re a temporary worker, there are certain things that are presumed:



Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Origami Chrysanthemums are Hard

condom
Just your average boring penis-shaped condom.

Several months ago in a post, Poop Flinging Monkeys and Origami Condoms, I detailed some of the bizarre spending habits of the National Institute of Health. Not the least of which was a 2.4 million dollar grant for the development of an origami condom.

The inventor of the origami condom, Daniel Resnic, claimed that his silicone-based condom was designed to increase sensation, and solve the age old problem that most condoms can’t be folded into the shape of a chrysanthemum.

Alas, Daniel Resnic has been accused of fraud, and ordered to repay the funds.

It’s been alleged that Mr. Resnic misspent millions of taxpayer dollars on trips to Costa Rica, lavish parties at the Playboy mansion, full-body plastic surgery, a condo in Provincetown, Mass., and patents for numerous “get-rich-quick” schemes.

Whether or not one of those “get-rich-quick” schemes involved convincing the National Institute of Health to give him a 2.4 million dollar grant to develop a condom that can be folded into the shape of a chrysanthemum remains to be determined.

Read the rest...


Monday, February 23, 2015

Update: Bigfoot Sightings at Speed’eez Sports Bar and Grill

idiotprufs
A photo of Bigfoot at Speed’eez Sports Bar and Grill (as always, Bigfoot ducked just out of sight as the picture was taken).

(image source: goerie.com)

North East, Pa.–It’s been a year since the first reports of Bigfoot sightings in the small town of North East, Pennsylvania. Specifically that the mythical creature was spotted frequenting Speed’eez Sports Bar and Grill.

It seems his presence has dramatically increased in recent weeks, as his wife, Lady Bigfoot, has left him. Evidently she grew weary of his nights of cavorting at Speed’eez, downing 32 ounce mugs of Yuengling Lager, and gorging himself on Buffalo wings, while she was back in the forest, flipping over dead logs looking for grubs.

“Do you know how much effort it takes to keep your home tidy when you live in the forest?” Lady Bigfoot demanded. “There are bugs everywhere and raccoons get into everything.”

Read more...


Friday, February 13, 2015

Horton Hears a Chigger

chigger
You found this on your what?
 
So the other day these search terms popped up consecutively on my stats page:

feeling ill images
chiggers on testicles

Which comes first?

Are you feeling ill, and then you discover it’s because you have chiggers on your testicles?

Or, do you discover that you have chiggers on your testicles, and that makes you feel ill?

Read the rest...

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Are Sea-Monkeys Better Than Your Extended Family

Sea-Monkey family
What a lovely family.

It’s the question people have been asking themselves for ages: are Sea-Monkeys better than my family?

Don’t be ridiculous, it’s not even a question; of course Sea-Monkeys are better than your family.

Sea-Monkeys aren’t constantly shoving pictures of their potato-faced baby at you; forcing you to comment on how cute their potato-faced baby is.

Sea-Monkeys don’t get angry when you use the phrase “potato-faced” to describe their baby.

Note: turnip-faced doesn’t seem to be any more agreeable than potato-faced. Your family appears to have a bizarre bias against root vegetables that Sea-Monkeys don’t possess.

Sea-Monkeys don’t show up to family picnic all liquored-up on Genny Cream Ale, and vomit into your aunt’s potato salad.

Sea-Monkeys don’t get all pissy when you comment that your aunt’s potato salad was bound to be involved with vomit at some point before the day was over.

Read the rest...

Friday, February 6, 2015

Feel Good Story of the Day: Klaus the Wonder Dog at KLM Lost & Found (VIDEO)

My Mom sent me this.

It's a cute video that oughtta bring a smile to your face.


Pretty good stuff, huh?

Share it with your friends.

Have a great weekend, y'all!

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Dear Critic

the critic

Dear critic,

I want to extend my deepest apologies to you. I know that I have failed you, as a blogger, and as a man.

I understand that my blog is not what you desire it to be.

But know this: I feel your pain.

Every time I stumble upon a blog about a person dealing with their battle with depression, I think to myself: why aren’t you blogging about pumpkins, or carving pumpkins into jack-o-lanterns, or pumpkin pie, or any type of pastry? How dare you blog about something that is important to you?

Read more...

Monday, February 2, 2015

A Few Quick Thoughts About Groundhog Day

idiotprufs groundhog day punxsutawny phil
Phil and his throng of his adoring fans.

Groundhog Day

Groundhog Day is a day when thousands of people gather in small town in rural Pennsylvania, to applaud a groundhog as a celebrity and a prognosticator, and to wait with bated breath for that groundhog to notice or not notice his shadow. It is a day of great pomp and circumstance.

The Other 364 days of the year

The other 364 days of the year, a groundhog is a giant rodent, and poking its head out of a hole, would be cause for the same rural Pennsylvanians to reach for their 12-gauge.

groundhog phil
Hey, where did the party go?