Head Wounds, Deer Semen and Fear: A Famliy Reunion
You’re not related to these men, you should be so lucky.
I’m referring to those occasions that include grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, creatures who claim to be cousins, but who you could swear are really albino trolls, in-laws, out-laws, felons, significant others, insignificant others, the cast of that creepy movie The Others.
Do you have that one guy who doesn’t seem to belong with any particular family, but always shows up around the holidays. He wears an eye-patch, has a peg leg, and refers to everyone as Matey.
Does the mere act of thinking about your family make you sweat profusely and vomit a little in your mouth?
Does your calendar have the date of your family reunion circled with the word, Armageddon, written across it in blood?
Do you equate spending the day with the extended family with that disturbing dentist/torture scene from Marathon Man?
When you’re with your family, do you wish you could trade places with Dustin Hoffman’s character?
Did you get all the way to the closing credits of The Hills Have Eyes before you realized it wasn’t a home movie?
Do you read Oliver Twist and think: lucky bastard?
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