A typical Klingon driver: uninsured and irresponsible.
(image source: startrek.com)
How many times has this happened to you?
You approach a stoplight as it’s about to turn red. Being a
responsible driver, you slowly apply the break and come to a complete
stop.
Suddenly you hear the screeching of tires behind you. You brace
yourself for what you know is coming. You hear the sound of crunching
metal as you feel the shock of your vehicle being struck from behind.
You stumble from your vehicle, slightly shaken, trying to rub the
pain from back of your neck. As you survey the damage, you see the
driver of the other vehicle stomping toward you from the corner of your
eye. “Are you okay?” you ask as you turn to face him.
“Rah arg bah,” he bellows into your face. A blast of hot putrid
breath startles you and sends you reeling. You try to steady yourself as
you wipe the spit from you face. A sinking feeling comes over you with
the realization that you’ve just been rear-ended by a Klingon.
“Do you have insurance?” you ask apprehensively, aware of the fact that Klingons are notoriously irresponsible drivers.
“Mok tuk bah,” he sneers derisively as he jabs his crooked Klingon finger in the direction of the stoplight.
“Listen mister, that light was clearly about to turn red.” You call
him mister hoping that he’s male; it’s so hard to tell with their
weird wrinkled faces.
“MOK TUK BAH,” he screams at you with even more force.
“So that’s how it’s going to be,” you calmly reply, again wiping the
spit from your face. This time his spit seems to contain
chunks of something that was recently alive. You vomit in your mouth a
little.
A lengthy argument ensues. Tensions flare. In the heat of the moment
you say something unfortunate about the virtue of his
Klingon mother being defiled by Captain Kirk. You soon discover–at
ridiculous odds– that this is the one phrase that translates directly
from English to Klingon.
You find yourself staring at the end of a menacing Klingon weapon of war.
You swiftly make an attempt to apologize. You now discover the
phrase “I’m sorry” in Klingon roughly translates: stab me repeatedly.
As you lie on the pavement bleeding to death, you wonder if a better
grasp of the Klingon language could have helped you avoid this grisly
end.
To reiterate my initial question: How many times has happened to you?
It hasn’t…ever…and it never will. Klingons are a fictitious race from a
fictitious planet invented in the mind of Gene Roddenberry.
However, there is a Klingon language; a language that people endeavor to learn and speak.
Why would a person endeavor to learn and speak a language spoken by a
nonexistent race? I decided to ask a person who makes a habit
of publicly speaking Klingon.
The following is a verbatim recalling of that conversation–apart from
the bits that are a result of my faulty memory–with Klingon speaking
Ed.
Note: His real name isn’t Ed. I’ve changed the
name to protect the innocent. The innocent being myself; Ed’s a few
sandwiches short of a picnic.
Read the conversation...
