Ever do a search on Google and wonder WTF people are thinking?

Well I did. Here is just a taste of some of the oddball things I found. If you want to see more, head over to Snarkfest and see them all for yourself. Warning: PEOPLE ARE CRAY!

Planet of the Jakes: Breakfast of Champions

“Dad...”  Jakob said, walking into the laundry room.  I was doing my last minute ironing, right before rushing off to work.  Like I do every other morning.

“What’s up, Jakob?”  I asked, turning the shirt that I was ironing over to make a run on the other side.

drying cleaning is so overrated.

“Sarah didn’t eat any of the pizza we left for her last night.”  He stated matter of factly.

“Yea.  I know.”  Sarah was off on another school related function until late the night before.  I forced the other animals to save her a couple of slices of plain pizza, which she didn’t bother eating when she got home.  “Why do you care?”

“Just saying.”  He replied rather casually, walking around the mess that is our laundry room.

I stopped ironing for a moment, to figure out what this kid’s play was.  Was he just being a narc?  Did he want the pizza?  Did he want me to save him the pizza for when he got home from school?  “Ok.  Well...”  I hesitated.  “You can have them if you want them.”

“Ok.”  Jakob said, quickly turning away, leaving me to my ironing solitude.

I finished up the shirt, ran the iron over my pants (look...i don’t care what they say.  “Wrinkle free” is not really “wrinkle free”.  Neither is “wrinkle resistant”.  Especially when you leave the clothes in the laundry basket for too long.  Like days.) and headed upstairs to finish getting ready for work.  Jakob was sitting at the kitchen table, eating the pizza.

“You’re eating the pizza now?”  I asked, laughing.

He shrugged.  “You said I could.”

“I didn’t think you were going to eat it for breakfast.”

He took a swig of some orange looking liquid.  “But, you said I could.”  He repeated.

“Wait.”  I said, looking at the glass.  “Are you drinking orange juice?”

c'mon! it totally sounds delicious! you know it!

“Yea?”  He replied, like I was the crazy one.

“Pizza and orange juice?”

He nodded, taking another bite of the pizza.

“For breakfast?”

“Yea.”  He replied.  “There’s still another piece of plain...” Jakob looked at me, questioningly.

“You can have it?”  I shrugged.

“Ok.”  He said, getting up to put the slice in the microwave.

“Pizza and orange juice.”  I muttered, leaving the kitchen.  “Now that’s the breakfast of champions.”

If you haven't checked out the new "mini" show, that I'm really disappointed in you.  Really disappointed!

Images courtesy of:

Pizza:  https://www.flickr.com/photos/bill_roehl/

Orange Juice:  https://www.flickr.com/photos/bepster/

Hiccup Gremlins and a Punch in the Face

Experts tell us that hiccups are a myoclonus of the diaphragm, that results in an abrupt rush of air into the lungs. You get them when the vagus nerve, which runs from the brain to the abdomen, is irritated. They are most commonly the result of digestive disturbances.

Well that’s just crazy talk–everyone knows hiccups are caused by gremlins.

There are a lot people out there who will tell you that gremlins don’t exist. People who think they’re smarter than you because they have years of medical training, or they’ve read books, or they’ve never been described as “bat crap crazy” by a certified mental health professional. Maybe they’ve never slapped a mime in the face, or they’ve never been arrested for urinating on a police car, but does that make them smarter than you?

Probably, but don’t listen to them–you can’t trust a person who’s never slapped a mime in the face.

Do you think it’s a coincidence that you only seem to get hiccups at the most inconvenient times:

• You’ve just gone to bed because you have a big presentation at work the next day.
• You’re at that big presentation; your company’s pitching a foolproof remedy for hiccups. It doesn’t go well.
• You approach that cute girl to ask her out. She has a terrible phobia of people with hiccups. She blasts you in the face with pepper spray.
• You’re trying to catch your breath after being blasted in the face with pepper spray.
• You’re giving a eulogy for a close friend. The fact that your friend died from a mysterious case of hyper-hiccups, heightens the inappropriate nature of your sudden attack of hiccups.
• Just after the judge asks if you have anything to say for yourself. Evidently urinating on police cars is frowned upon in some places. (You can however slap a mime in the face almost anywhere.)
• That brief moment of silence after that pastor announces, “if there is anyone here who objects to this union, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.” The former bride of your deceased friend is finally moving on with her life and remarrying. She is not amused. More pepper spray is in your future.

But now you have hiccups, how do you get rid of them?

Click here to find out....

My Wife's Take On Guys: Men Are Dumbasses

Ladies, you are gonna love this!

My wife's take on Men.....



Before I get started I need to make something very clear, I love men.  I love how they 
think, I love how they smell after they take a shower and without them the human race would end after all ladies without them we would wind up childless.  With that all being said men are dumbasses. 

Read the rest.....

Word Abuse: Sea Salt

Here’s a tip for all you budding entrepreneurs out there in New Internetsland.  Got a new product you’re trying to sell?  Then make sure you emblazon the words “Sea salt” anywhere on the package.

Looking for a license to print money?  Who isn’t?!?!?  Look no further!  “Sea salt” will take you to the promise land!  Hawking a new cracker?  Bor-ing!   Throw the words “Sea salt” in there and suddenly you’ve got a one way ticket to Moneytown. 

“Sea salt crackers”.

See that?!?!? Holy shit!  You’ve got a hankerin’ for tasty crackers now, dontcha?

But…wait!!  Did you hear that?  That was the sound of a million registers ringing out at once, from people just like you suddenly giving into the urge for “Sea salt crackers”

chocolate?!?! for real!?!?

And believe you me, “Sea salt” isn’t just for crackers!  Oh, no!  It works on chips, granola bars…and get this…even chocolate!

Not only does “Sea salt” add a ton of credibility to your product, it automatically adds a ton of unscientifically proven health benefits!  Like…it’s not “regular” salt.

“Regular” salt is just so bourgeois anymore.  Want to impress your dinner guests?  Nothing screams class like products  made with “Sea salt”.  Just make sure that your dinner guest either see the packaging or tell them

this one's a double offender. "Artisan".

straight up:  “Not only does that granola bar taste good…it’s good for you!  Because it’s made from real “Sea salt”.

Just ignore the fact that “Sea salt” has no additional health benefit over “regular salt”.  And probably tastes the same, as well.   Facts just get in the way of marketing.

What do you mean you haven't seen the new "mini" show yet?!?!?  What are you waiting for?!?!?

Bees and Calligraphy

Bees and Calligraphy

In my spare time I like to improve my yodeling.

First a few personal facts regarding the differences between bees and calligraphy:

1. I have never been stung in the face by calligraphy.
2. I have never gotten a D on an art project written in bee.

Good things about bees:

1. If you don’t happen to have any Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants, Africanized killers bees will work in a pinch.
2. It is hysterical when a bee stings a mime.
3. Pollination. Bees pollinate a vast array of plants, helping to propagate many types of fruits and flowers. I’m also pretty sure Donald Trump’s hair is some sort of hive.
4. They make honey, that sweet nectar byproduct without which Pooh bear would have never gotten his head caught in a honey pot, in that adorable image by A. A. Milne.  If it weren’t for that image, I’d have nothing tattooed to my left butt cheek.

Good things about calligraphy:

1. Because of calligraphy, nib manufacturing is still a thriving business in Bangladeshian sweat shops.
2. Without calligraphy wedding invitations would have to be written in silly fonts.
3. Anything written in calligraphy looks super classy; like William Shakespeare threw up on a piece of paper. (It’s how the entire first act of Much Ado About Nothing was written.)

Read the rest here....

Ten Years Ago Today: Dad Died

Today's story is very personal. If you came looking for teh funnay, I can't bring it today. Having said that, I think many of you will relate to what I am gonna write about.

10 Years Ago Today

June 5, 2004 was just another day at the Dumbass Dome. So I thought.

Dad, Debbie, Adam & Sara, c. 1996

I was doing the normal routine - having a beer for breakfast, smokin' a fatty and getting tuned up for work. I was walking past the front door of my house when I saw a black Toyota zoom into my drive way. It was my sister, Cheryl. From Dallas. 100 miles away from where I lived.

Instinct told me that something was wrong.

Very wrong.

It was.

Very wrong.

Read the rest.....

Fear Loathing and Rejection

Fear Loathing and Rejection

A few weeks ago Becky of Becky Says Things asked her readers for blogging inspiration.

Since I’m constantly inspiring others to do things: sob uncontrollably, flee into the wilderness, punch a mime in the face, file restraining orders, stock up on pepper spray, change their names and disappear into the Bolivian mountains, eat green crayons and evaluate the futility of their lives, just to name a few; I decided to give it a go.

After an enormous amount of deep thought, at least five or six seconds worth, I came up with a topic that I thought to be pure blogging gold: bees and calligraphy.

I sat back and confidently waited for her post about bees and calligraphy, and the awards and accolades that were certain to follow.

It never came. I was passed over in favor of music.

Despair.

As the days passed my sorrow deepened. The colors of life that had once been bright and vibrant now seemed dull and gray. I no longer enjoyed plays, movies or books. I especially couldn’t stand plays or movies based on books. (Except for The Shining, Jack Nicholson is an absolute treasure.)

Music was dead to me. (Except for Weird Al Yankovic, he is delightful.)

Food tasted like cardboard. Cardboard tasted like tapioca. Tapioca tasted like green crayons and green crayons tasted like forest green crayons. Tofu was oddly unchanged.

Even the one thing in the world that I loved more than anything, reruns of The Jersey Shore, couldn’t cheer me up. As I watched their fake tans, greased up hair and increasing levels if stupidity, I knew it was hysterical, but I just couldn’t laugh.

I found myself sitting in a darkened room, chugging Mad Dog 20/20 straight from the bottle, and writing really bad poetry about giraffes and other even-toed ungulates.

Read the rest here....

Nothing like a binkytini for buying yourself 5 seconds of silence

Okokok.  Here’s what I want to know.  Which one of you sickos is responsible for this disclaimer:

C’mon!  Fess up.  Stand up with pride.  Who served up a binkytini to their lil darling, for just a few hours of precious sleep.  Don’t be shy, now.  I’m not condemning you.  Oh no.  I know far too well that desperate times call for desperate measures.

Now look…I ain’t condoning slipping your kid a mickey (as it were) to save your sanity.  Not at all!  I’m just saying…I feel your pain.

If you haven't caught the premiere of the Almost Internet Famous Internet "mini" show, then you are just bringing shame upon yourself AND your family.